Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

I’m Glad Amber Sabathia Thinks It’s Funny

By “it” I mean CC’s lousy outing today against the Nationals. According to LoHud, he couldn’t wait to share the news with the missus.

“I just called my wife and she started laughing,” Sabathia said.

(courtesy: olaughingpress.com)

I guess if I were the Sabathias, I’d laugh too. Today wasn’t the first time he’s gotten knocked around in spring training and it won’t be the last. What’s more, the significant point is that his knee feels good.

I listened to the last four innings of the game – my first of the season with John and Suzyn, who were cracking jokes about the mistakes John kept making with his calls. (He’d say somebody was safe and the ump would say otherwise.) The pitching wasn’t exactly stellar for either side, and aside from Gardner’s heroics it was pretty dull.

Which brings me to spring training games in general. While I enjoy seeing the young guys who are actually battling to make the club, I honestly have little-to-no interest in the kids that are just there to… to what? Everybody knows they’ll be cut any second, so is it a perk to be out there for a few innings with the big boys? Is it sort of a rehearsal so they’ll know what it’s like if they ever get to the majors? Is it to showcase them for scouts because they’re trade bait? Or is it just an opportunity for them to play, period? Somebody help me here.

I'm Glad Amber Sabathia Thinks It's Funny

By “it” I mean CC’s lousy outing today against the Nationals. According to LoHud, he couldn’t wait to share the news with the missus.

“I just called my wife and she started laughing,” Sabathia said.

(courtesy: olaughingpress.com)

I guess if I were the Sabathias, I’d laugh too. Today wasn’t the first time he’s gotten knocked around in spring training and it won’t be the last. What’s more, the significant point is that his knee feels good.

I listened to the last four innings of the game – my first of the season with John and Suzyn, who were cracking jokes about the mistakes John kept making with his calls. (He’d say somebody was safe and the ump would say otherwise.) The pitching wasn’t exactly stellar for either side, and aside from Gardner’s heroics it was pretty dull.

Which brings me to spring training games in general. While I enjoy seeing the young guys who are actually battling to make the club, I honestly have little-to-no interest in the kids that are just there to… to what? Everybody knows they’ll be cut any second, so is it a perk to be out there for a few innings with the big boys? Is it sort of a rehearsal so they’ll know what it’s like if they ever get to the majors? Is it to showcase them for scouts because they’re trade bait? Or is it just an opportunity for them to play, period? Somebody help me here.

A.J.’s “Swinging Gate”

(Courtesy: campus.fortunecity.com)

That’s what he’s been working on with Larry Rothschild – trying to get rid of his “swinging gate” leg kick he used to do during his delivery. (It was more of a leg curl, if you ask me, and I kind of liked the way he wrapped the leg around his other leg; it made him look reptilian, but whatever works.) I watched his two innings today against the Astros and was heartened to see him stay focused instead of melting down after giving up a couple of hits. That’s progress, people!

But Cervelli fouled a ball off his foot and the MRI was “inconclusive?” That doesn’t thrill me. The poor guy seems to get hurt every spring training, and I’m beginning to think he should show up in Tampa encased in this.

(Courtesy: stevespangler.com)

I’m amazed the Cubs had a fight in the dugout today, according to ESPN. I mean it’s only spring training! Are tensions really running that high when you play the Brewers on March 2nd? There’s plenty of time for fisticuffs but, as I said about Golson and Beckett getting head-beaned, shouldn’t teammates not be hurting each other?

Speaking of dumb, I pulled a totally lame move today. I needed to be at my computer while Yankees-Astros was on, so instead of watching the game on the MLB Network, I figured I’d get it on my laptop via MLB.TV. I’d ordered my 2011 subscription so why not?

Here’s why not. No matter how many times I tried to access the game, I kept getting an error message on my screen that said, “This game is temporarily unavailable. Try again in a few minutes.” I tried again in a few minutes. I tried again every six seconds. Nothing. No game. I was furious.

I called technical support at MLB’s 800 number, waited forever and finally got a human. I explained the situation and he said it must be my Safari browser.

“Fine, so I’ll use Firefox,” I said and switched over.

Same problem. No game.

“Let’s try restarting your computer,” said the tech support guy.

I restarted. No game.

“How about logging in and out and in again,” he suggested.

Surprise. No game.

“I have a Mac,” I said. “Could you put me on with somebody who knows about Macs? Maybe there’s an incompatibility.”

“No problem. Please hold.”

I held for what seemed like centuries.

The new guy came on the phone and put me through the same steps as the old guy. No game.

“Let me check your account,” he said finally. “Can I put you on hold again?”

“If you must.”

I waited. And waited. He came back and said, “You didn’t buy a subscription this year. Your old one was for 2010 and it expired.”

I was silent for a beat, then said, “Oh. Sorry.” I was humiliated. I could have sworn I’d re-upped, plus I thought I was on an auto-renewal plan. Apparently not.

I thanked him and buried my head in shame, then went back on the site, set up a new account and hit “purchase.” Guess what. The game came on. DUH.

A.J.'s "Swinging Gate"

(Courtesy: campus.fortunecity.com)

That’s what he’s been working on with Larry Rothschild – trying to get rid of his “swinging gate” leg kick he used to do during his delivery. (It was more of a leg curl, if you ask me, and I kind of liked the way he wrapped the leg around his other leg; it made him look reptilian, but whatever works.) I watched his two innings today against the Astros and was heartened to see him stay focused instead of melting down after giving up a couple of hits. That’s progress, people!

But Cervelli fouled a ball off his foot and the MRI was “inconclusive?” That doesn’t thrill me. The poor guy seems to get hurt every spring training, and I’m beginning to think he should show up in Tampa encased in this.

(Courtesy: stevespangler.com)

I’m amazed the Cubs had a fight in the dugout today, according to ESPN. I mean it’s only spring training! Are tensions really running that high when you play the Brewers on March 2nd? There’s plenty of time for fisticuffs but, as I said about Golson and Beckett getting head-beaned, shouldn’t teammates not be hurting each other?

Speaking of dumb, I pulled a totally lame move today. I needed to be at my computer while Yankees-Astros was on, so instead of watching the game on the MLB Network, I figured I’d get it on my laptop via MLB.TV. I’d ordered my 2011 subscription so why not?

Here’s why not. No matter how many times I tried to access the game, I kept getting an error message on my screen that said, “This game is temporarily unavailable. Try again in a few minutes.” I tried again in a few minutes. I tried again every six seconds. Nothing. No game. I was furious.

I called technical support at MLB’s 800 number, waited forever and finally got a human. I explained the situation and he said it must be my Safari browser.

“Fine, so I’ll use Firefox,” I said and switched over.

Same problem. No game.

“Let’s try restarting your computer,” said the tech support guy.

I restarted. No game.

“How about logging in and out and in again,” he suggested.

Surprise. No game.

“I have a Mac,” I said. “Could you put me on with somebody who knows about Macs? Maybe there’s an incompatibility.”

“No problem. Please hold.”

I held for what seemed like centuries.

The new guy came on the phone and put me through the same steps as the old guy. No game.

“Let me check your account,” he said finally. “Can I put you on hold again?”

“If you must.”

I waited. And waited. He came back and said, “You didn’t buy a subscription this year. Your old one was for 2010 and it expired.”

I was silent for a beat, then said, “Oh. Sorry.” I was humiliated. I could have sworn I’d re-upped, plus I thought I was on an auto-renewal plan. Apparently not.

I thanked him and buried my head in shame, then went back on the site, set up a new account and hit “purchase.” Guess what. The game came on. DUH.

Not A Good Day To Have A Head, Apparently

(Courtesy: cksinfo.com)

In Yankeeville, we learned that Greg Golson was hit on the noggin yesterday by an errant AJ Burnett pitch. (Is there any other kind?) Via LoHud:

Greg Golson said he feels fine after being hit in the head by A.J. Burnett yesterday. It was during live batting practice, and it was the first pitch Golson saw. He said he was shaken up initially, but he feels fine and was laughing about it this morning. He’ll go for precautionary tests, but Golson said he’s not worried about it.

OK, there were two “he feels fine”s in that paragraph, which makes me wonder if Golson does feel fine or he’s just trying to be a real man. I would at least have a headache or some ringing in my ears, wouldn’t you?

Moving over to RedSoxVille, Josh Beckett got smacked in the temple with a ball while standing in the outfield during batting practice. The culprit? A staffer named Ino Guerrero, who will probably be dragged off to an undisclosed location, never to be heard from again. Via ESPN.com:

The Red Sox said the pitcher did not need to be taken to the hospital and was treated at the park. The team initially said Beckett was OK, but he started to experience concussion symptoms and was sent home to rest.

Unlike Golson, Beckett admitted to having a headache.

So my question is…Aren’t injuries like this supposed to be caused by opposing players, not your teammates? Just asking.

In other news, my boy Jorge Vazquez had his third impressive day at the plate today. I really hope he’s not a fluke. Not when I’m starting to like him this much.

CC? No problem with the knee in his first outing. I guess not eating box after box of Cap’n Crunch was the right way to go, post-surgery.

Manny Banuelos seems to have impressed everybody. I wish I’d gotten to see him pitch.

Actually, I wish I’d gotten to see everybody play today. How irritating that all the games aren’t televised.

“I Believe The Yankees Are Gonna Be Pretty Good, Even Though I Hate Them.”

Guess who said that. Go on, guess.

  • Joe Buck?
  • Dustin Pedroia?
  • Hank Steinbrenner?

The correct answer would be the kid who makes videos in what looks like his parents’ attic (given all the lamps and chairs) for his YouTube channel, “megasportstube.” Take a look.

Each to his own, right? I agree that Cano will be The Man and that Jeter will bounce back. But will A-Rod continue his “decline?” Nah. And memo to the kid: CC won’t have to “carry the team.”

Of course, we’ve all expressed the same doubts about the starting rotation. How many of you laughed out loud when it was announced today that Bartolo Colon was getting the ball in the Yankees’ first spring training game? Against the Phillies, no less. Maybe he’ll face Cliffy.

But here’s what I really want to know. Why is it that the 37-year-old Colon, who has been in the majors forever, still needs a translator? He couldn’t muster a few words in English to tell the media he was excited about his first start in pinstripes? I could have figured out how to say it and I don’t speak a word of Spanish.

“I’ m excitó sobre mi primer comienzo en telas a rayas.”

There. Was that so hard, Bart?

"I Believe The Yankees Are Gonna Be Pretty Good, Even Though I Hate Them."

Guess who said that. Go on, guess.

  • Joe Buck?
  • Dustin Pedroia?
  • Hank Steinbrenner?

The correct answer would be the kid who makes videos in what looks like his parents’ attic (given all the lamps and chairs) for his YouTube channel, “megasportstube.” Take a look.

Each to his own, right? I agree that Cano will be The Man and that Jeter will bounce back. But will A-Rod continue his “decline?” Nah. And memo to the kid: CC won’t have to “carry the team.”

Of course, we’ve all expressed the same doubts about the starting rotation. How many of you laughed out loud when it was announced today that Bartolo Colon was getting the ball in the Yankees’ first spring training game? Against the Phillies, no less. Maybe he’ll face Cliffy.

But here’s what I really want to know. Why is it that the 37-year-old Colon, who has been in the majors forever, still needs a translator? He couldn’t muster a few words in English to tell the media he was excited about his first start in pinstripes? I could have figured out how to say it and I don’t speak a word of Spanish.

“I’ m excitó sobre mi primer comienzo en telas a rayas.”

There. Was that so hard, Bart?

Hank Shoots From the Lip; A-Rod Talks About His Hip

And I just wrote a rhyming headline. Woohoo.

Anyhow, it was kind of an eventful day in Yankeeville. But before I get into who said what about whom, one of this blog’s faithful readers, Amanda, has been going to spring training camp to watch our boys practice and she sent me some video from her adventures. If you’re itching for a taste of the Yankees warming up, take a look. There’s a lot of standing around, but I can tell you this: If I were as close to those guys as Amanda was, I would have jumped onto the field and made a fool of myself.

Amanda doesn’t leave comments here, but let’s give her props for showing up in Tampa and forwarding the evidence.

Okay, so onto Hank Steinbrenner’s remarks. Apparently, the Hankster thinks the 2010 Yankees didn’t win the World Series because they were too busy celebrating their 2009 championship and “building mansions.” Hm. He didn’t single anybody out, but maybe he meant this mansion?

(Courtesy: curbed.com)

Jeter’s house is said to be the largest in Tampa, which would mean it dwarfs those of any Steinbrenner. Does the Hankster have real estate envy?

He recovered by saying this year’s Yankees seem hungrier than last year’s, which would make sense if the team had different players on it. (I’m fairly sure he doesn’t consider Russell Martin a game changer.) He’s such a character, that Hank. I know he makes some fans crazy, but I find him entertaining in the manner of, say, him.

A-Rod spoke to the media and said his hip is 100%, that he needs to have a better year and that he enjoyed being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz on national television. (No, he didn’t say that last part; he did joke about the incident though.) I like the leaner, looser A-Rod. He’s smiling a lot more and the guy does have a great smile, whether he’s your favorite player or not.

(Courtesy: sportifi.com)

The Boys Are Back! (Except Cano)

I absolutely loved reading about the position players showing up for spring training today. Hearing that Tex has been working hard to get off to a faster start, that Brett Gardner is all healed up, that Swisher is telling Chavez how much he’ll love playing in New York (if he gets the chance). It all makes me wish I could be there as their Welcome Lady, complete with a Welcome Cake for everybody.

Come to think of it, I bet the Yankees could use someone like me for the job. I’d be there to greet the players, escort them to their lockers, help them unpack, introduce them to the new guys, hold their hands while they have their physicals (okay, maybe not) and then make sure they’re all settled in. The Yankees wouldn’t even have to pay me. I’d do the job for free. All I’d need is room and board, preferably at Jeter’s house or the Vinoy Hotel in St. Pete, and meals with the boys. What fun we’d have! I don’t speak Spanish, but I’d find a way to talk to Colon and Soriano. I’d tell Joba how svelte he looked. And I’d ask A-Rod if he really did buy that apartment at the Rushmore overlooking the Hudson River.

Photo: Daniella Zalcman/Wall Street Journal

Doesn’t every team need a Welcome Lady? I’m too late for this season, but I wonder if they’re taking applications for next year.

I Want Some Mo!

(Photo: John Munson/The Star-Ledger)

Apparently, my darling Mariano hasn’t put in an appearance in Tampa yet (as of this writing), and the reason given was that his kids are sick with flu-like symptoms and he doesn’t want to leave them.

(Photo: Jared Wickerham/Getty Images)

His boys are adorable, so I don’t blame him. I wonder if the oldest one can pitch and the Yankees can sign him the second he’s feeling better?

Anyhow, the my-kids-are-sick explanation sure does make Mo sound like an All-Star dad. But could it be an excuse rather than an explanation? For all we know, his kids are fine and he’s got other things to do before flying to spring training. For instance:

  • He’s opening another restaurant.
  • He’s shooting another modeling gig for Canali.
  • He can’t face training camp without Andy Pettitte pitching.
  • He can’t face training camp without Jorge Posada catching.
  • He can’t face training camp without CC Sabathia eating Cap’n Crunch.
  • He can’t face training camp with Rafael Soriano studying his every move like a scene from “All Above Eve.”
  • He can’t face training camp with David Wells as an instructor (oh, the awful music).
  • He can’t face training camp with beat writers asking him when he’ll retire.

I don’t know about you, but those would be reasons enough for me to stay home.

It’s No Coincidence That Spring Training Day and Valentine’s Day Are The Same

I’ve got to make this post quick – it’s after midnight and I’m sleep deprived – but I’d just like to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day and to say: “Play ball!” Yes, it’s that time. The Yankees will all be in Tampa and we fans won’t have to scrounge around looking for images of and quotes from our favorite players anymore. It all begins. I can’t wait. The season is officially underway. Talk about romantic.

(Copyright: Pamela Perry/freeclipart.com)

It's No Coincidence That Spring Training Day and Valentine's Day Are The Same

I’ve got to make this post quick – it’s after midnight and I’m sleep deprived – but I’d just like to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day and to say: “Play ball!” Yes, it’s that time. The Yankees will all be in Tampa and we fans won’t have to scrounge around looking for images of and quotes from our favorite players anymore. It all begins. I can’t wait. The season is officially underway. Talk about romantic.

(Copyright: Pamela Perry/freeclipart.com)

Making New Friends At Camp

(courtesy: capitalranch.com)

Every year when the Yankees start showing up in Tampa, I wonder what it’s like for the players. I’m not talking about whether Hughes intends to focus on his changeup or if Jeter is spending extra time in the batting cage with Kevin Long. I’m talking about who makes friends with whom. We already know Jeter and Posada are tight and that Swisher talks to anybody who’s breathing. But what about the new guys or even the new-ish guys? Inquiring minds want to know about the following…

Which player will Grandy hang out with this year? Last year he had Thames, his Tigers buddy.

Who will be Soriano’s interpreter? Cano used to fill the role for Melky, but he might be too cool for that now.

Who will look after Justin Maxwell? We don’t have any other former Nats, do we?

Will anybody be nice to Colon and Garcia? Or will the players assume the two pitchers will be gone by March and figure they’re not worth getting to know?

Ditto: Mark Prior.

Will Posada extend a warm welcome to Russell Martin or view him as a rival?

I guess I shouldn’t worry; I’m not their mother, for God’s sake. Still, I like when everybody gets along with everybody. I just do. And hopefully Girardi will plan another one of his “bonding” adventures for the players.

(Photo: Brown W. Cannon III)

Who Wants To Be The Yankees Catcher?

This spring training has the makings of an entertaining reality show when it comes to the everyday catching position – “The Biggest Non-Loser” or “Top Catch” or maybe “Survivor: Bronx.” We have so many contestants.

#1 Jorge Posada

Yes, he’s been told he’s the Yankees’ primary DH, but he’s a proud guy and he still wants to crouch behind the plate. He can’t throw runners out anymore, and pitchers like A.J. aren’t wild about working with him. Still, he’s one of the Core Four Three. He could sway voters.

#2. Russell Martin

Dodger fans out here loved this guy – until recently, that is. For awhile he was everybody’s favorite player with the potential to be a real star. Can he rebound from surgery and from what he’s referred to as his “out-of-whack mechanics?” Those who’ve watched his decline think he partied too much and made excuses. He needs to establish credibility as a Yankee.

#3. Francisco Cervelli

He was beloved. He was scorned. He was everything in between. He’s still young and he has the drive to do better, as evidenced by his workouts with Cano this winter. Plus, who can resist his enthusiasm and energy? Given the choice, CC would rather pitch to him than to anyone else. Does that count?

#4. Jesus Montero

He’s the prospect everyone’s been waiting for – the Anointed One who nevertheless nearly got traded for Cliff Lee. We know he can hit. We know he’s strong. We know he’s been working on his catching skills. We know he thinks he’s ready for prime time. But is he?

#5. Austin Romine

Never mind. He can’t compete with the others.

All we need is a host for the show. Any ideas? I have one.

Like Birds Flying South For The Winter…

…the Yankees beat writers are heading down to Tampa this week. I guess this means we’re really, truly going to have baseball. Seems kind of incredible, doesn’t it? I was starting to think the off-season would last forever, but by the end of the week it’ll officially be over. We’ll get reports about which players have arrived, who’s working out, who’s looking good, who’s saying what. Very excited.

So before we bring the Winter of Our Discontent to a close, I’m asking everyone for the highlights and low lights of this off-season. What stands out for you?

  • Cliff Lee not becoming a Yankee?
  • Jeter and the Yankees getting into a spat?
  • Colon and Garcia joining the team?
  • Andy Pettitte bidding us farewell?
  • Robinson Cano hiring Scott Boras?

I guess these would all qualify as low lights. Were there any highlights? If there were, I’m drawing a complete blank.

(courtesy: piczo.com)

Well, except for Mo signing a new two-year contract. That’s a big-time highlight.

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About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.