Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

Youk Is Hitting, People!

AP/BLS Illustration/Yahoo Sports

Kevin Youkilis had another homer today (call me crazy, but I do love homers) and has gotten his batting average up. Which raises a crucial question: what will be John Sterling’s home run call for Youkilis?

The It Is High blog has some suggestions:

  • That one is Kevin-sent!
  • It had to be Youk!
  • It’s a nuke… from Youk!
  • A Greek kiss from Youkilis!
  • Youkilis, take a look at this!
  • A bazooka from Youka!
  • Youktacular!
  • Youk, you’re no mook!
  • Youk can’t keep a good man down!
  • Youkilis that one goodbye.

Not bad, right? Knowing Sterling though, it’ll have something to do with Broadway or music, and that means the word ukelele (as in Youkelele) might figure into the decision.

 

Still #1

Photo: AP/Seth Wenig

I missed the first few innings today while at a screening for “Trouble With the Curve” (see the Mainly Jane blog), but when I joined the game in the 5th inning or so, Kuroda was already on his way out. Not a good outing for him. I hope he’s not in the dreaded “dead arm” phase of the season.

I could harp on Eduardo Scissorhands – two errors, seriously – but what’s the point. I just wish Jeter could play shortstop from now on.

John Sterling drove me nuts with that call in the bottom of the 9th on A-Rod’s fly ball to the wall. “It is high, it is far, it is….caught.” He totally made me think the Yankees had tied the game, and I was so disappointed when he said the word “caught.” Ugh.

But thanks to the Red Sox, the Yanks go to Minny clinging to the division lead. It’s nail biting time, people.

 

In Honor Of John and Suzyn

With today’s off-day news that the Yankees have renewed the radio contract of WCBS/660 through 2013 with John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman at the microphones, I thought it would be entertaining to bring back two of the duo’s famous (and unintentionally funny) moments. As anyone who’s read my “She-Fan” book knows, John was incredibly nice to me while I was on the road following the team, so despite his often looney calls I have a soft spot for him. Suzyn? Let’s just say I respect her for persevering in sports broadcasting given the discrimination against women when she came on the scene.

Here’s John losing control and trying to recover…

And then there was this famous gem from Suzyn…

Another year of those two will make me groan at times, but I prefer them to the generic ESPN types.

 

That Was Tense

When Soriano allowed the tying run to come to the plate in the ninth, I was choking down my dinner. But ultimately, he and the rest of the pen (kudos, Clay Rapada) made it all better.

Another great performance by Hughes. Yes, he gave up the obligatory homer and I wish he’d be able to go deeper in to games, but you can’t have everything. If he can keep up the good work, our rotation really will be solidified.

Early on, I thought the offense would flame out yet again with the bases loaded; Ibanez hitting into the DP was groan-worthy. But this Yankees team is all or nothing when it comes to offense. We either hit the long ball or strand runners. In tonight’s victory it was Tex who smacked one and Granderson who emerged from his slump to give us insurance.

I couldn’t believe when Tex got hit in the foot with the pitch. It felt like Kuroda all over again. But he seemed OK.

The player who’s not OK is Gardner. He’s got a date with this guy.

After all this, he’s still got elbow pain? Not good. And Ibanez and Jones aren’t spring chickens and shouldn’t be our everyday corner outfielders. I do like Wise, but he’s not much in the bat department. Should Cashman make a trade if Gardner ends up being out for the season? Unless we have someone hiding in the minors, I’m thinking he has to.

One final note. I was blacked out by FOX, of course, so I watched the video on FOX’s Spanish channel, which always carries Yankees games, and listened to the action on WCBS. Sterling was in rare form. He not only referred to Duda as “Doodoo,” but said when Girardi was trotting out to get Hughes, “Here comes Joe Torre.” It was entertaining, if confusing.

 

The Contortions of D-Rob

Photo: US Presswire

Okay, he was bound to blow a save. Mo blew saves early in his career as a closer. Still, when Robertson loaded the bases in the ninth I said, “You’re not always going to be able to get out of jams. You need to stop doing that.”

Actually, I wasn’t quite as charitable in the privacy of my own home. But as I yelled at the TV, I remembered Mo’s press conference earlier in the day when he told the media he yelled at the TV too. (He’s one of us! He’s a regular fan! He’s human!)

Speaking of Mo, I have to wonder about the blood clot that turned out to be the “complication” his agent mentioned. It’s possible that it was the result of the knee trauma, but it’s also possible it had been lurking in his calf for awhile. He was damn lucky he was getting the leg examined or the clot could have traveled elsewhere. The players do an awful lot of sitting in confined spaces – from airplanes to dugouts/bullpens. I’m just glad he’s being treated by professionals now.

Back to the game, this one was a killer. I get that the Yanks were facing a tough pitcher, but oh did they have chances. I’m looking forward to having Gardner back. Maybe he can shake things up.

Phelps did a more than credible job after his shaky first inning, and the bullpen was great – until the end. Sigh. Michael Kay said on YES something to the effect of: “Now Yankee fans will understand what the other teams go through with their closers.” Excuse me? Like we didn’t understand or appreciate what we had in Mo? A ridiculous statement, Kay.

And while I’m on the subject of our broadcasters, did anyone else listen to the game on the MLB At Bat app? I was taking a walk during the early innings and listened to John and Suzyn/WCBS on my phone. Suddenly, they were gone – and replaced by the YES feed. Then, just as suddenly, I heard John yell, “What’s going on!” And then Suzyn yelled, “Am I on the air?” It was hilarious because they had no idea that they were, in fact, on the air via their cellphones. Apparently, there was a power outage in the press box, and it made for some very unscripted and very entertaining minutes.

"What A Crazy, Crazy Game" *

* A direct quote by this man.

Photo: Kostroun/AP/Daily News

I was listening to Sterling’s post-game wrap-up and he must have repeated a zillion times what a crazy game it was today at Wrigley. I watched the first few innings – shockingly, FOX granted me access instead of showing me a contest between two west coast teams I don’t care about – but I had to go out and, therefore, relied on my MLB AT BAT app on my iPhone for the rest.

I have to agree: it was a nutty game.

Nunez is such a perplexing player. He’s terrific offensively – I mean seriously good in a way that almost makes me forget about Jeter being out of the lineup – but his defense is so bad it’s contagious (I’m blaming Cano’s error on Nunie). He can hit, run the bases, even bunt. But every time he handles the ball at short I wince.

And while I’m on the subject of running the bases, have the Yankees collectively turned into Posada? Take A-Rod. What was he doing trying to stretch that single into a double? Bizarre.

Amazing throw by Gardner to get Pena at the plate. I just hope Martin’s back is okay after the collision. Pena went into him hard, and all credit to Russell to hang onto the ball, never mind his marbles.

A.J. pitched really well, except for his high pitch count, and our newbies in the pen (Wade and Noesi) were sensational. Mo, on the other hand, had a couple of lapses, but he did get the save so all was well.

I guess the takeaway from this game, other than the fact that the Yankees managed to win it, was the number of men stranded on base – again. What is up with that?

I feel lucky that we squeaked by.

I feel even luckier that while I was out listening the game I was at my nearby Patagonia store.

The sales people had no problem with me blasting the audio while I was trying on stuff. There was even a Yankee fan or two among them – always a happy occurrence in California.

“What A Crazy, Crazy Game” *

* A direct quote by this man.

Photo: Kostroun/AP/Daily News

I was listening to Sterling’s post-game wrap-up and he must have repeated a zillion times what a crazy game it was today at Wrigley. I watched the first few innings – shockingly, FOX granted me access instead of showing me a contest between two west coast teams I don’t care about – but I had to go out and, therefore, relied on my MLB AT BAT app on my iPhone for the rest.

I have to agree: it was a nutty game.

Nunez is such a perplexing player. He’s terrific offensively – I mean seriously good in a way that almost makes me forget about Jeter being out of the lineup – but his defense is so bad it’s contagious (I’m blaming Cano’s error on Nunie). He can hit, run the bases, even bunt. But every time he handles the ball at short I wince.

And while I’m on the subject of running the bases, have the Yankees collectively turned into Posada? Take A-Rod. What was he doing trying to stretch that single into a double? Bizarre.

Amazing throw by Gardner to get Pena at the plate. I just hope Martin’s back is okay after the collision. Pena went into him hard, and all credit to Russell to hang onto the ball, never mind his marbles.

A.J. pitched really well, except for his high pitch count, and our newbies in the pen (Wade and Noesi) were sensational. Mo, on the other hand, had a couple of lapses, but he did get the save so all was well.

I guess the takeaway from this game, other than the fact that the Yankees managed to win it, was the number of men stranded on base – again. What is up with that?

I feel lucky that we squeaked by.

I feel even luckier that while I was out listening the game I was at my nearby Patagonia store.

The sales people had no problem with me blasting the audio while I was trying on stuff. There was even a Yankee fan or two among them – always a happy occurrence in California.

Goodbye, Yankees. It's Been Nice Having You Nearby.

And so, after today’s win, the Yanks fly back to New York. It’s been sweet having them on my coast and, with all due modesty, I did hold up my end by hosting them successfully. Aside from the Seattle series, they looked mighty fine.

Before I discuss today’s game, however, I need to rant for a sec about Cox Cable, which is supposed to provide me with television broadcasts.

When I turned on the TV before the game I got a blank screen. Apparently, my Extra Innings package, for which I spend far too much money every year, had blacked me out.

No problem, I thought. I’ll just watch on the Angels’ channel like I did on Friday and Saturday.

Not so fast. That channel, the regional FOX sports network, was showing the Dodgers.

Growing panicky, I started flipping around trying to find the game. I went to a zillion different channels and it wasn’t on. I went on Twitter and asked people where the game was. I was told it was on KCOP and tried to find it. No luck.

I called Cox and spent 20 minutes on the phone with a woman who kept saying over and over, “Major League Baseball games are on FOX.”

“They are not!” I kept telling her. “Only the Saturday games. This one is on KCOP. Do I get that channel? Yes or no?”

She put me on hold to check – for another 20 minutes.

“KCOP is an LA-based channel,” she said when she came back on. “You live in Santa Barbara.”

“Um, I know where I live, thanks,” I said, wanting to poke her eyeballs out. “I get LA-based channels here. But do I get KCOP or not? Yes or no.”

To make a very long story short, it took forever for her to finally say “NO.”

And so I listened to the game on the radio. Which is another way of saying that I heard but didn’t see the game.

  1. It sounded like Colon wasn’t as sharp this time out but still managed to keep the game well in hand.
  2. It sounded like Cano’s defense dazzled.
  3. It sounded like Tex is on one of his homer streaks.
  4. It sounded like Posada tried to stretch a double into a triple and was out by many, many miles. (I thought Sterling and Waldman’s “analysis” of his bonehead move would last forever. They kept repeating, “What made him do that? What was he thinking?”)
  5. It sounded like Swisher’s homer almost wasn’t. (Sterling: “It is high…No, it’s gonna be foul…No, it hit the foul pole…”It’s Swishalicious!” Oy.)
  6. It sounded like Gardner got caught stealing again. Is he wearing lead shoes this year?
  7. It sounded like both Robertson and Joba felt like walking batters, just to live on the edge, but wriggled out of trouble.
  8. It sounded like Mo got another save.

I love that we won these close games. The boys have earned their day off tomorrow.

Goodbye, Yankees. It’s Been Nice Having You Nearby.

And so, after today’s win, the Yanks fly back to New York. It’s been sweet having them on my coast and, with all due modesty, I did hold up my end by hosting them successfully. Aside from the Seattle series, they looked mighty fine.

Before I discuss today’s game, however, I need to rant for a sec about Cox Cable, which is supposed to provide me with television broadcasts.

When I turned on the TV before the game I got a blank screen. Apparently, my Extra Innings package, for which I spend far too much money every year, had blacked me out.

No problem, I thought. I’ll just watch on the Angels’ channel like I did on Friday and Saturday.

Not so fast. That channel, the regional FOX sports network, was showing the Dodgers.

Growing panicky, I started flipping around trying to find the game. I went to a zillion different channels and it wasn’t on. I went on Twitter and asked people where the game was. I was told it was on KCOP and tried to find it. No luck.

I called Cox and spent 20 minutes on the phone with a woman who kept saying over and over, “Major League Baseball games are on FOX.”

“They are not!” I kept telling her. “Only the Saturday games. This one is on KCOP. Do I get that channel? Yes or no?”

She put me on hold to check – for another 20 minutes.

“KCOP is an LA-based channel,” she said when she came back on. “You live in Santa Barbara.”

“Um, I know where I live, thanks,” I said, wanting to poke her eyeballs out. “I get LA-based channels here. But do I get KCOP or not? Yes or no.”

To make a very long story short, it took forever for her to finally say “NO.”

And so I listened to the game on the radio. Which is another way of saying that I heard but didn’t see the game.

  1. It sounded like Colon wasn’t as sharp this time out but still managed to keep the game well in hand.
  2. It sounded like Cano’s defense dazzled.
  3. It sounded like Tex is on one of his homer streaks.
  4. It sounded like Posada tried to stretch a double into a triple and was out by many, many miles. (I thought Sterling and Waldman’s “analysis” of his bonehead move would last forever. They kept repeating, “What made him do that? What was he thinking?”)
  5. It sounded like Swisher’s homer almost wasn’t. (Sterling: “It is high…No, it’s gonna be foul…No, it hit the foul pole…”It’s Swishalicious!” Oy.)
  6. It sounded like Gardner got caught stealing again. Is he wearing lead shoes this year?
  7. It sounded like both Robertson and Joba felt like walking batters, just to live on the edge, but wriggled out of trouble.
  8. It sounded like Mo got another save.

I love that we won these close games. The boys have earned their day off tomorrow.

In Honor Of The First Night Of Passover

Here’s how the guys at the “It Is High” blog are observing the Jewish holiday.

(courtesy: "It Is High, It Is Far, It Is Caught"

For those who observe, enjoy your matzoh ball soup and gefilte fish. And if you do observe, maybe you could answer a question for me: What the hell is gefilte fish? Is it actually a fish?

(Yes, I’m Jewish but I was raised as a non-anything. So forgive my cluelessness.)

Which reminds me, have the Yankees ever had any Jewish ballplayers besides Ron Blomberg? I’m terrible at trivia.

I Got My 10 Runs

I always want the Yankees to score 10 runs. It’s a thing with me. When the Yankees put 10 runs on the board, I relax, assuming the runs will guarantee a win. The Bombers granted my wish today, and I’m grateful.

AJ ran out of gas in that fifth inning, but he was impressive in his first start of the season. Not only did he throw strikes and not look like a wild man, but instead of having a meltdown when he got into trouble he pitched his way out of it.

It helped to have a nice cushion. I love that the boys are swinging the bats – just about everybody. Special attention has to go to our new Mr. March/April.

(Courtesy: balljunkie.com)

And A-Rod. Seriously. The guy is on fire. Russell Martin smacked his first YS homer, which enabled John Sterling to give us the call: “Russell Has Muscle.” Eh? He could have come up with something better, but I’m glad it wasn’t a show tune.

Speaking of listening to the radio, WCBS was my default broadcast today since I was blacked out by MLB and FOX. I know it’s annoying to whine, but I’ve got to say this one more time: WHY?

  1. Why are we fans abused this way?
  2. What’s the point of preventing us from watching the teams we want to watch when we want to watch them?
  3. Why do two powerful entities get to control my viewing habits?
  4. What would be the harm in allowing me to see the Yankees on a Saturday?
  5. Why do I pay for MLB.TV when I can’t even watch the Saturday Fox games on my computer?

I’m so angry about this issue and my anger only grows every year. But now that I’ve vented I’ll shut up about it for the rest of the 2011 season. I promise.

Photo: © Rivertrack/Dreamstime.com

P.S. I’m also angry (but only in a relatively minor way) that Mo had to come in and save a game in which the Yankees had those 10 runs I mentioned at the top. It’s a little early to be looking at a game against the Tigers as if it were the playoffs.

I’m So Excited….I Just Can’t Hide It

OK, you don’t have to actually watch the video. Just let the song play while you read this post.

Tomorrow it begins.

Tomorrow our long wait for baseball is over.

Tomorrow we get to see our Yankees in the Bronx.

Tomorrow we get to watch Mussina throw out the first pitch. (I wish Andy were throwing it, but whatever.)

Tomorrow we get to see how well our guys play in snow. (Maybe.)

Tomorrow we get to hear the ESPN guys talk about the following:

  1. Our payroll.
  2. The fact that we didn’t sign Cliff Lee.
  3. The Red Sox being the favorites to win it all.
  4. The Barry Bonds trial and the court appearances of two former Yankees.

I’ll be hitting the mute button for that last part or maybe there should be a drinking game every time they mention Cliff Lee?

Anyhow, to those who’ll be at the game… bundle up and enjoy. To those who’ll be watching on TV with me…I’ll wave to you. To those who’ll be listening on the radio…let me know what John Sterling comes up with for a Russell Martin home run call.

I'm So Excited….I Just Can't Hide It

OK, you don’t have to actually watch the video. Just let the song play while you read this post.

Tomorrow it begins.

Tomorrow our long wait for baseball is over.

Tomorrow we get to see our Yankees in the Bronx.

Tomorrow we get to watch Mussina throw out the first pitch. (I wish Andy were throwing it, but whatever.)

Tomorrow we get to see how well our guys play in snow. (Maybe.)

Tomorrow we get to hear the ESPN guys talk about the following:

  1. Our payroll.
  2. The fact that we didn’t sign Cliff Lee.
  3. The Red Sox being the favorites to win it all.
  4. The Barry Bonds trial and the court appearances of two former Yankees.

I’ll be hitting the mute button for that last part or maybe there should be a drinking game every time they mention Cliff Lee?

Anyhow, to those who’ll be at the game… bundle up and enjoy. To those who’ll be watching on TV with me…I’ll wave to you. To those who’ll be listening on the radio…let me know what John Sterling comes up with for a Russell Martin home run call.

“You Just Can’t Predict Baseball”

I know. That’s John Sterling’s favorite line. But as I was reading about the latest developments in Yankeeville, I couldn’t help utter the same words myself.

By the time I wake up tomorrow morning, Girardi will have already announced his roster for breaking camp, or so I assume. Judging by the buzz among the beat writers, it sounds like:

  • Nova is our #4 pitcher.
  • Garcia slots in at #5.
  • Colon goes to the pen in long relief.
  • Nunez gets the reserve job instead of Pena.
  • Gustavo Molina is the backup catcher, not Jesus Montero.

Could anybody have predicted the above? Well, except for Nova? Seriously, didn’t Ramiro Pena have the infield job locked up before Nunez beat him out? Wasn’t Montero the second coming of Joe Mauer while Molina was the so-so, non-Molina-brother catcher? Wasn’t Garcia supposed to be a long shot to make the rotation? And how about Eric Chavez? I remember writing on this very blog that I was excited about him coming off the bench, and lots of people said, “Forget it. He’s always injured. He won’t give you anything.”And yet look at the spring training he’s had, including his first ST homer in tonight’s game. Yes, I like Jorge Vazquez and I hope we’ll see him in the Bronx one of these days, but Chavez has such a good glove.

It’s all coming together. I’m still not crazy about Andruw Jones and I honestly don’t know what his contribution will be, but things could look a lot different in another month or two.

Meanwhile, the rehearsals are winding down and the show is about to start….Any day now.

"You Just Can't Predict Baseball"

I know. That’s John Sterling’s favorite line. But as I was reading about the latest developments in Yankeeville, I couldn’t help utter the same words myself.

By the time I wake up tomorrow morning, Girardi will have already announced his roster for breaking camp, or so I assume. Judging by the buzz among the beat writers, it sounds like:

  • Nova is our #4 pitcher.
  • Garcia slots in at #5.
  • Colon goes to the pen in long relief.
  • Nunez gets the reserve job instead of Pena.
  • Gustavo Molina is the backup catcher, not Jesus Montero.

Could anybody have predicted the above? Well, except for Nova? Seriously, didn’t Ramiro Pena have the infield job locked up before Nunez beat him out? Wasn’t Montero the second coming of Joe Mauer while Molina was the so-so, non-Molina-brother catcher? Wasn’t Garcia supposed to be a long shot to make the rotation? And how about Eric Chavez? I remember writing on this very blog that I was excited about him coming off the bench, and lots of people said, “Forget it. He’s always injured. He won’t give you anything.”And yet look at the spring training he’s had, including his first ST homer in tonight’s game. Yes, I like Jorge Vazquez and I hope we’ll see him in the Bronx one of these days, but Chavez has such a good glove.

It’s all coming together. I’m still not crazy about Andruw Jones and I honestly don’t know what his contribution will be, but things could look a lot different in another month or two.

Meanwhile, the rehearsals are winding down and the show is about to start….Any day now.

In The Booth With John, Suzyn And…Ted Williams?


By now everyone’s seen the story about “the homeless guy with the golden voice,” right? He’s been making the rounds and been offered all sorts of broadcasting jobs. What I don’t think anybody’s asked him is: “Are you a baseball fan?” And, more specifically: “Are you a Yankee fan?” He’s from New York with the accent to prove it, so why not hire him for occasional announcing duties during Yankees games or maybe for some of the programming on YES?

Well, there is one problem. He might have to change his name.

(courtesy JerryBrice's Blog)

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About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.