Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

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Settling into My New House

April 22, 2015

moving-boxes12-pfzgzu

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post for Mainly Jane. Just too much going on, including the move across the country into our house in New Preston, CT. But after a wild ten days during which the moving truck arrived and we were boxed in by a gazillion boxes and kept saying, “I can’t find the scissors” and “I think that lamp in the living room is missing” and assorted other cries and moans, we’re making progress. We still have boxes – too many – but I can see daylight now. And the rooms are coming together. I even had a manicure yesterday. The nail lady had to use glue on three of my nails because they were split down the middle from opening – you guessed it – boxes, but I felt semi-human.

We picked a good time to come. The snow is gone and though everyone has stories about “the worst winter ever,” we dodged it.

Here’s what we didn’t dodge. A bathroom toilet leaked. The washer and dryer wouldn’t wash or dry. Some of our furniture didn’t fit in their allotted spaces. We spent too much money at Home Depot buying unglamorous things like light bulbs, a medicine cabinet, a hose, a broom, a barbecue.

What I’m dreading the most is our trip to the CT DMV to get our licenses and register our cars. We’ve already been there once, but we didn’t have the right paperwork so we failed and were told to try again. I understand that there’s a lot of red tape with all this, but what I don’t get is why every single person who works at the DMV – the one in Danbury, CT anyway – has to be so grumpy? Not a smile anywhere. Not a “Welcome to Connecticut.” Not even a “Sorry we can’t help you today.” Just one surly person after another. Not a pleasant experience.

On the other hand, our contractor has been a joy to work with. Talk about doing it all. Frank Montelone and his crew at FJM Construction have made the move as painless as possible. No matter how big or small the job, they’ve been willing to take it on or know someone who will. Eric Popilowski is their office manager and we literally couldn’t have functioned without him. He waited at the house for the cable company while we were in California. He waited here for the TV installers from Best Buy. He measured. He answered questions. He reassured. He even said Frank would fix the antique chair that came off the moving truck broken. He’s the answer man.

Do I feel like an East Coaster yet? No. I’m still disoriented. I still operate on Pacific Standard Time, turning on the TV to watch shows that have already aired here. And the other day I walked over to our nearby sandwich shop, a terrific place in New Preston village called Nine Main Bakery & Deli. I was waiting at the counter for my sandwiches when a woman showed up to place her order. She started talking to me about her son, the doctor, and how proud she was of him. “I’m even more proud of him than I am of my screenwriter son-in-law.” Well, since I’m still in a California state of mind, I said, “Has the screenwriter son-in-law had any movies produced?” She laughed and said, “Of course! His name is Kevin Barnett and he writes for the Farrelly brothers. You know. ‘Dumb and Dumber’ and ‘The Heartbreak Kid’ and ‘Hall Pass.'” She gave me his phone number and said, “Call him. Maybe he’ll turn one of your books into a movie.” The moral of the story is that I came all the way across the country, but Hollywood is never far away. It always beckons.

Meanwhile, Michael and I went out to one of our favorite haunts for dinner last night, the White Horse Tavern here in New Preston. It’s an English pub, so Michael indulged himself with Shepherd’s pie. He was in heaven.

White Horse

Note all those mashed potatoes on top. They were a thing of beauty.

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Screenplays Tagged With: CT, Farrelly Brothers, Kevin Barnett, moving, New Preston, Nine Main Bakery & Deli, White Horse Tavern

Movie Day: "Words and Pictures"

June 1, 2014

Words and Pictures poster

Today’s Cinema Society screening was a grownup movie. It’s about art – what a concept – and stars two of my favorite actors, Juliette Binoche and Clive Owen, neither of whom are capable of giving a bad performance.

A witty, wordy drama/comedy, “Words and Pictures” is set at a New England prep school where Clive Owen’s Jack Marcus is the honors English teacher and Juliette Binoche’s Dina Delsanto is the new art teacher. He used to be somebody – a published author/poet who once taught on the college level. But a bad “hobby” (his word) of guzzling too much vodka has derailed his career and his relationship with his son, not to mention alienated most of the other teachers and the school’s dean. Binoche’s Dina was a celebrated abstract painter who was brought low by rheumatoid arthritis, which has crippled her ability to move freely and have a normal life. The two characters clash, initially over his insistence that words are more meaningful than images and her assertion that a picture is worth a thousand words. Little by little, their sexual chemistry takes over and life becomes even more complicated for them.

It was a pleasure to see a film that celebrated language, and Owen’s character, a garrulous fellow, quotes some truly beautiful literature. And Binoche, it turns out, painted all the art we see in the movie; she’s been an artist since she was young and has had gallery showings in France.

The film’s writer, Gerald DiPego, does a nice job of bringing his lovers together, although the plot and its conclusion are as predictable as it gets. He came for the Q&A after the screening and I introduced myself because I worked at Dell when we published his first novel back in the ’70s. Having written screenplays for big studio movies over the years, he said he was thrilled to have gone the indie route with this new one. Nobody made me him rewrite – a rarity in Hollywood.

Overall, I recommend “Words and Pictures.” It’s charming, if predictable, as I said, and well worth a couple of hours.

 

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Movies, Screenplays Tagged With: Cinema Society, Clive Owen, Gerald DiPego, Juliette Binoche, Santa Barbara, Words and Pictures

My Heart Is Breaking Over Nora Ephron's Death

June 26, 2012

I was on Twitter late this afternoon when I saw a tweet from the New York Times with the breaking news that Ephron, my idol, my heroine, the woman who inspired me to become a writer in the first place, had died of leukemia at age 71. I didn’t even know she was sick. I was devastated. The obituary by Charles McGrath was wonderful, and I have no doubt that Ephron herself would have applauded it. But still. I just can’t believe she’s gone.

How do I count the ways I loved her?

I’ll start with the books. From her early collection of columns and her autobiographical novel Heartburn to her more recent books about aging, I Feel Bad About My Neck and I Remember Nothing, her writing had a major influence on me. She taught me that women could be smart and funny and truthful – the heroines of their own stories, never the victim of them. She made writing look easy enough that I felt emboldened to try it, even as her short, simple sentences were the essence of perfect comic timing. She had a unique way of saying something caustic and cynical even as she allowed us to see what a romantic she was. I’ve re-read all of her books so many times that I can practically recite her words from memory.

And then there were her films. I admired how she came from the print world – the journalism world – and yet plunged headlong into screenwriting with Silkwood and, soon after, hit her stride with When Harry Met Sally. She became the queen of writer-directors, never failing to carry the torch for stories about women. Sleepless in Seattle and You’ve Got Mail were as charming and sweet as they were witty and sly, and nobody’s written a romantic comedy since with her level of sophistication.

Even her opinion pieces in newspapers, magazines and blogs were knowing and clever. She had a gift, plain and simple. I’m so damn sad that there won’t be more coming from her fertile mind.

I think I’ll celebrate her life tonight by pulling out my dogeared copy of Heartburn – for the 7,000th time.

Filed Under: Humor, Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture, Screenplays Tagged With: Heartburn, Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

Another Adam Sandler Comedy

July 11, 2011

When “Jack and Jill” opens in the fall, it’ll allow us moviegoers to:

  1. Hear Katie Holmes actually speak.
  2. Watch Al Pacino collect a paycheck.
  3. See yet another comedian play a part in drag.

I’m not saying there won’t be genuine laughs to be had in this film. I enjoy high-concept comedies as much as anyone. I just wish the formula didn’t have to be so obvious. And by “formula,” I mean the fact that “Jack” will start out wishing “Jill” would go home and by the end of the story “Jack” will come to learn just how much “Jill” means to him and how much he can learn from her.

The “formula” was on full display the other night when I was flipping through the TV channels and landed on this one.

“Did You Hear About The Morgans” came out last winter and vanished from theaters. I don’t wonder why.

Not only does Sarah Jessica Parker’s hair make her look eerily like Kathy Griffin, but Hugh Grant’s face doesn’t appear to move anymore. What’s more, there’s absolutely no chemistry between the two of them and, as a result, you don’t care if they get back together or not. And finally, the “formula” – they’re a squabbling city couple who are forced to go to Wyoming after witnessing a murder … only to discover the charms of the rustic life and each other – is so apparent that there’s no fun in the journey. (Plus what a terrible title for a movie.)

It’s the kind of zany romantic comedy that would have starred Barbra Streisand and Ryan O’Neal back in the day – quirky entertainment, in other words. But “Morgans” isn’t zany or quirky or entertaining. It’s just a dud.

I’m getting really tired of saying, “They sure don’t make them like they used to.”

 

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture, Screenplays Tagged With: Adam Sandler, Al Pacino, comedies, Did You Hear About The Morgans, Hugh Grant, Jack and Jill, Katie Holmes, Sarah Jessica Parker

Why I Won't Be Seeing "Hangover 2" This Holiday Weekend

May 26, 2011

I mean seriously. Take a look.

Does it not seem that what the writers/producers/studio did was copy the script from the original movie and tweak it ever so slightly?

  1. It’s the same guys.
  2. Yet again, one of them is about to get married.
  3. They take a bachelor party trip.
  4. They get so drunk they wake up the next morning and can’t remember what happened.
  5. They find a monkey in their hotel room instead of a tiger.
  6. Instead of broken teeth, the character who’s a dentist has a tattoo on his face.
  7. They set about trying to figure out what happened the night before.
  8. The fiancee calls frantically to say, “Where are you???”
  9. High jinks ensue.
  10. They come home.
  11. Funny pics accompany the end credits.

I usually defend the movie business when people say, “There’s no originality in Hollywood anymore.” Not this time. Even I have my limits.

But don’t take my word for it. Read today’s review in The New York Times.

 

 

Filed Under: Humor, Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture, Screenplays Tagged With: Hangover, Hangover 2, Hollywood, movies

The "She-Fan" Book Is Now A Screenplay Too

January 22, 2011

I know a lot of you don’t like baseball, so the appeal of my recent nonfiction book, Confessions of a She-Fan, is probably lost on you, as is the corresponding blog of the same name. But I just thought I’d bring everybody up to date on that front.

I teamed up with Gordon Greisman, a long-time Hollywood screenwriter and (like me) a diehard Yankee fan, to write a script very loosely based on the She-Fan book. Gordon wrote and executive produced a critically acclaimed mini-series called “The Bronx Is Burning,” which aired on ESPN in 2007. Anyone remember it?


Instead of being a memoir about how my husband Michael and I followed the Yankees around the country for half a season so I could prove my undying fandom (and wifedom), the “Confessions” script is a straight-up romantic comedy – a love triangle, actually – about a 27-year-old woman who’s engaged to one man, attracted to another, and obsessed with the Yankees. With her wedding only days away, she must come to terms with who she is and which man she really loves. Suffice it to say, hi jinks ensue. We’re shopping the script now, and the key is “attaching” an actress to play the lead. My first choices?

Emma Stone
Mila Kunis
Anna Faris
Anne Hathaway
Elizabeth Banks

Okay, you get the picture so I won’t bore you with all of the names on my wish list. I just think – and admittedly I’m not objective – that our script is hilarious and should be a movie!

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Screenplays Tagged With: Anna Faris, Anne Hathaway, Confessions of a She-Fan, Elizabeth Banks, Emma Stone, Gordon Greisman, Mila Kunis, The Bronx Is Burning

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About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.

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