Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

  • About
    • Bio
    • FAQ
  • Publications
    • Books
      • Romantic Comedies
      • Caregiving
      • Baseball
      • TV Tie-In
    • Articles
  • Blogs
    • Mainly Jane
    • Confessions of a She-Fan
  • Media
    • Videos
    • Audio
    • Press
    • Press Materials/Three Blonde Mice
  • Speaking
  • Contact

My Friend Died, and It Sucks

August 4, 2015

Laurie & Peter in SB

Michael and I were living in Florida, about to move to LA, when I got an email from a woman named Laurie Burrows Grad. She said she was chairing a Penn Women Author Event to commemorate 100 years of women at the University of Pennsylvania, where I attended the Annenberg School of Communications. She asked if I’d be willing to participate. I wrote back thanking her for thinking of me but explained that I was overwhelmed with my imminent move to Los Angeles. She wrote back that she lived in LA and that if I needed anything when I got there, I shouldn’t hesitate to call her. “And you’ll come for dinner and meet my husband Peter,” she added.

“How nice is that?” I said to Michael. “They don’t even know us.”

Laurie and I continued to email and we discovered we’d soon be neighbors, that the Beverly Hills duplex Michael and I had rented was only blocks away from her house. She offered yet again to have us over for dinner and we looked forward to it.

On our first night in our Beverly Hills rental, friendless and furniture-less, since our stuff was on a Mayflower van making its way across the country, Michael and I were surprised by a knock on the door. It was Laurie and Peter with shopping bags containing goodies to eat and drink and little battery-operated lights we could put on the floor by our air mattress until our lamps arrived.

“How nice is that?” I repeated to Michael.

Laurie was beautiful inside and out, I discovered, and Peter was hilarious with the ability to mock you in such an endearing way that you didn’t mind being mocked. (The first time he saw me, he nicknamed me “Bones.” Normally, when people joke that I’m skinny or scrawny or bony, it makes me mad, but Peter? I loved that he had a special name for me, just like he had special names for all his close pals, because he said it with such affection.)  Both he and Laurie had huge hearts, and the word “generous” didn’t begin to describe them. (And I’m not just talking about the fact that they’d raised millions of dollars for the Alzheimer’s Association as a result of their “A Night at Sardi’s” benefits.) Oh and one more thing: they adored each other. You could see it in their eyes, in the way they treated each other, in the way they touched each other. When you were around Laurie and Peter, you were thrilled to be in their orbit.

And we were definitely in their orbit. Laurie and I would talk on the phone forever and then email right after. Michael, who doesn’t make friends easily or often, couldn’t get enough of Peter. While Laurie and I would be in her kitchen kibbitzing, he and Peter would be downstairs watching porn channels on TV and laughing like idiot boys waiting for their mothers to scold them. We’d go out for dinner. We’d go to the movies. We’d spend New Year’s Eves together and Oscar night and all the rest. And when they said, “We’re staying at a friend’s on the beach in Santa Barbara for the weekend. Want to come?” we not only said yes but became so enamored of Santa Barbara that we moved there.

I was emailing and texting with Laurie this past weekend while she and Peter were on their annual trip to Vail. She was telling me what a good time they were having and I was telling her the latest about CT, where Michael and I had bought a house in April to spend more time with my mother. I missed the Grads now that I was on the East Coast again, but we’d recently had lunch with them when they came to NYC and we pledged to spend more time together when we flew back to CA over the winter.

Then came a terrible phone call on Sunday morning: Peter had died.

Just like that. While I was sleeping. While I was completely in the dark.

I woke up assuming they were enjoying their last day in Vail and instead Laurie was dealing with the loss of her beloved Petey. How could this be true? How could someone who’d been so alive, so vital, be here one minute and gone the next? I couldn’t fathom it. With one big exception, I’d been remarkably lucky in the friend department when it came to good health. Yes, I had just turned Medicare age, but all my buddies were fine, a few aches, pains and prescription drugs aside.

Not Peter, apparently.

No one didn’t love Peter Grad. No one. He could walk into a room and charm even the crabbiest person. He could play a round a golf with Joe Schmo and the President of the United States and put them both at ease. He could elicit a laugh even on your gloomiest day and then order you a pizza or grill you a steak. (No one made eating as much fun as Peter. With him, food was entertainment.)

Laurie is bereft, naturally, and I feel helpless that I can’t take her pain away. I wish my mother didn’t have dementia so I could ask her what her friends did or said that most comforted her after my father died.

I only hope that the outpouring Laurie’s getting from people will ease her grief a little. She did have the good fortune to be married to the love of her life for a very long time. May the gift of that sustain her.

RIP, Petey.

 

Filed Under: Food, Humor, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Movies, Television, Wellness Tagged With: A Night at Sardi's, Abe Burrows, Alzheimer's Association, friendship, grief, James Burrows, Laurie Burrows Grad, Peter Grad

I Saw These in My Yard Today!

April 29, 2015

Spring daffodils

Before the daffodils appeared, the property was pretty barren. No, it was sadder than barren. Thanks to the brutal winter in New Preston, CT, there were tree branches, dead leaves and all sorts of debris covering what I hope will be flower beds. Having just moved into this house, I don’t know what will bloom until it actually does.

Today’s excitement after yesterday’s visit from the electrician is the power washing of the front and back brick walkways and patio, the hanging of bathroom towel bars, the paint touch-ups of gouges in the walls caused by the movers and the unpacking of still more boxes. I don’t remember being so immersed in minutia.

But the house is coming together. It doesn’t feel as alien as it did last week. I’m not waking up in the morning with that “Where am I” feeling. I’m learning the house’s creeks and groans. (It’s an old house or, as our building inspector called it, “an experienced house.”) By this weekend, I predict we’ll be hanging artwork, and once that’s done we can turn our attention to the landscaping. The grass needs TLC and there are trees and shrubs to plant. We don’t have any outdoor furniture but we’re going to look at some used Adirondack chairs owned by a client of our contractor (she’s got a big house by the lake and she’s downsizing). And a neighbor invited us over for tea later (she’s British).

What about writing? I admire authors who can write with workmen around. I’m not one of them. I’m not good at chaos. I need order and organization and a fixed schedule. I need the certainty that someone won’t be knocking on the door any minute with a set of tools and an invoice. I need peace – a few hours of it anyway. The good news is I finished Farm Fatales, the spinoff of Princess Charming, before I left California. So once my head clears, I’ll figure out the next book. And the one after that. I will not let this move or this house or this pervasive sense of disorientation sidetrack me….unless, of course, I end up writing about that.

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: CT, Farm Fatales, New Preston, Princess Charming

Settling into My New House

April 22, 2015

moving-boxes12-pfzgzu

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post for Mainly Jane. Just too much going on, including the move across the country into our house in New Preston, CT. But after a wild ten days during which the moving truck arrived and we were boxed in by a gazillion boxes and kept saying, “I can’t find the scissors” and “I think that lamp in the living room is missing” and assorted other cries and moans, we’re making progress. We still have boxes – too many – but I can see daylight now. And the rooms are coming together. I even had a manicure yesterday. The nail lady had to use glue on three of my nails because they were split down the middle from opening – you guessed it – boxes, but I felt semi-human.

We picked a good time to come. The snow is gone and though everyone has stories about “the worst winter ever,” we dodged it.

Here’s what we didn’t dodge. A bathroom toilet leaked. The washer and dryer wouldn’t wash or dry. Some of our furniture didn’t fit in their allotted spaces. We spent too much money at Home Depot buying unglamorous things like light bulbs, a medicine cabinet, a hose, a broom, a barbecue.

What I’m dreading the most is our trip to the CT DMV to get our licenses and register our cars. We’ve already been there once, but we didn’t have the right paperwork so we failed and were told to try again. I understand that there’s a lot of red tape with all this, but what I don’t get is why every single person who works at the DMV – the one in Danbury, CT anyway – has to be so grumpy? Not a smile anywhere. Not a “Welcome to Connecticut.” Not even a “Sorry we can’t help you today.” Just one surly person after another. Not a pleasant experience.

On the other hand, our contractor has been a joy to work with. Talk about doing it all. Frank Montelone and his crew at FJM Construction have made the move as painless as possible. No matter how big or small the job, they’ve been willing to take it on or know someone who will. Eric Popilowski is their office manager and we literally couldn’t have functioned without him. He waited at the house for the cable company while we were in California. He waited here for the TV installers from Best Buy. He measured. He answered questions. He reassured. He even said Frank would fix the antique chair that came off the moving truck broken. He’s the answer man.

Do I feel like an East Coaster yet? No. I’m still disoriented. I still operate on Pacific Standard Time, turning on the TV to watch shows that have already aired here. And the other day I walked over to our nearby sandwich shop, a terrific place in New Preston village called Nine Main Bakery & Deli. I was waiting at the counter for my sandwiches when a woman showed up to place her order. She started talking to me about her son, the doctor, and how proud she was of him. “I’m even more proud of him than I am of my screenwriter son-in-law.” Well, since I’m still in a California state of mind, I said, “Has the screenwriter son-in-law had any movies produced?” She laughed and said, “Of course! His name is Kevin Barnett and he writes for the Farrelly brothers. You know. ‘Dumb and Dumber’ and ‘The Heartbreak Kid’ and ‘Hall Pass.'” She gave me his phone number and said, “Call him. Maybe he’ll turn one of your books into a movie.” The moral of the story is that I came all the way across the country, but Hollywood is never far away. It always beckons.

Meanwhile, Michael and I went out to one of our favorite haunts for dinner last night, the White Horse Tavern here in New Preston. It’s an English pub, so Michael indulged himself with Shepherd’s pie. He was in heaven.

White Horse

Note all those mashed potatoes on top. They were a thing of beauty.

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Screenplays Tagged With: CT, Farrelly Brothers, Kevin Barnett, moving, New Preston, Nine Main Bakery & Deli, White Horse Tavern

My Webmaster Had a Baby!

March 4, 2014

Jacob

Seriously, how cute is he? His name is Jacob and he’s two weeks old. Congratulations to his parents, Kristen and Dirk, and welcome to the world, Jacob.

(If this web site doesn’t get updated for awhile, we now have the above little angel to blame. :))

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Wellness Tagged With: new baby, webmaster

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

July 25, 2013

Lois & me

Yesterday I spent the day with my old friend Lois Juliber. I hadn’t seen her in years because I live on the west coast and she lives on the east coast and we lead very different lives these days. When I was a New Yorker, she and I played tennis every weekend in the summer and spent memorable evenings with our husbands and other friends and it was great fun. Now I’m holed up in my home office in California writing and she’s traveling the world. The former VP of General Foods and Vice Chairman of Colgate-Palmolive (we’re talking about one of the highest-ranking women in corporate America), she now either chairs or sits on multiple boards. In between trips to Uganda, she plays a mean game of golf and has played the world’s best courses. Yesterday we met up and caught up and talked for hours. At times she was making me awestruck with tales of moving in circles I couldn’t fathom. At other times she was “just Lois,” telling me with pride that she has all the hardcover copies of my books displayed at her house. It was a lovely day.

As have been so many other days during my month in Connecticut. I’ve had laughs with old publishing pals and have reunited with one of my closest friends from summer camp. I’ve seen cousins I rarely get to see. And I’ve spent time with my mother, who came to California for her 96th birthday but rarely ventures out of New York.

So with only a week to go on my summer vacation, it’s with a wistfulness that I go about the rest of the trip. The weather has turned cool – kind of strange for July – and I slept with all the covers on for the first time since I got here. Maybe it’s telling me it’s time to go home. Or am I home? Hard to tell right now.

 

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Popular culture Tagged With: CT, Lois Juliber, summer vacation, Washington

Summer In Connecticut Means This

July 7, 2013

july 4th pie

Spending the month of July in Washington, CT in beautiful, bucolic Litchfield County, has become a tradition and there’s nothing I don’t love about it except the mosquitoes, which love me as much as I despise them (and I’ve got the bites to prove it).

California is home now, no question, but there will always be a pull toward the east coast where I was born and raised and still have family and friends. Besides, while others complain about the heat and humidity, they’re just fine with me. I’m always cold in California and in Connecticut I can go sweater-less and enjoy it.

One of the best reasons for coming east is to head over to the Bridgewater Village Market for pie. And I don’t just mean any old pie. I mean pie as in the best crust, the best fruit, the best everything I’ve ever tasted. We had their blueberry pie on July 4th and it was as heavenly as ever. I don’t know how they get it right every single time, but they do.

I’ve already had my share of corn on the cob too, plus swordfish straight from Maine. (The best fish purveyor around these parts is a guy with a fish truck that he parks on Route 7 in New Milford; he drives down from Maine all night so he can sell fresh fish and seafood from the truck – he’s known as “the fish guy.”)

Swimming is another pleasure that’s exclusive to my visit here. I never swim in California. Too cold. But here I plunge right in and it feels great.

The only bad thing about my month here is that it’s just that: a month. Much too short.

 

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: blueberry pie, Bridgewater Village Market, Connecticut, July 4th, Litchfield County, summer, Washington

Everyone's Invited To The "Telesummit" Of The Year!

March 28, 2013

Roberta Mittman is a wellness practitioner with a thriving practice on Park Avenue in Manhattan. She’s all about helping her clients live healthier, happier lives, but she also knows that not everyone can come to New York and meet with her face to face.

So…she created what she calls “Telesummits” for those who want to love their minds and bodies more (and who doesn’t). The latest one will run from April 8th-12th and it’s free! All you have to do is click this link, sign up and you’ll be able to hear the 30-minute interviews Roberta has conducted with over 15 experts in the wellness field (like me!) sharing advice about health, beauty and empowerment. (I’ll be talking about How to Take Care of You While Caring for a Loved One.) You’ll be able to receive special gifts and bonuses from each of the experts too (I’m offering some secret prizes, so go look!). Listen on a computer at home or at work or wherever you happen to be while the Telesummit is taking place or save the interviews in the archive and listen whenever it’s convenient. Personally, I think it’s a brilliant idea and I’d think so even if I weren’t one of the experts Roberta interviewed, so I hope lots of readers will sign up.

Others that will be participating include:

  1. holistic nutrition expert Alexandra Jamieson
  2. anti-aging expert Alison Heath
  3. weight loss coach Andrea Albright
  4. “language architect” Hilary Rubin
  5. psychiatrist Dr. Hyla Cass
  6. cancer specialist Dr. Nalini Chilkov
  7. OB-GYN women’s health physician Dr. Anna Cabeca
  8. Sex-at-any-age expert Dr. Jennifer Landa
  9. Celebrity nutrition and fitness expert JJ Virgin
  10. Herbal medicine expert Kami McBride

And here are some of the topics covered:

  • How to rediscover your IDENTITY, VALUE, AND CONFIDENCE while finding your mission in this life.
    How to navigate through THE AGING PROCESS with expert guidance and tips.
    A WELL-KEPT SECRET to naturally REGULATE YOUR APPETITE.
    How and why EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE could have been responsible for your pain all this time.
    How to ACCESS YOUR INNER PHYSICIAN intuitively and spiritually—something that can save your life.
    How to access the #1 STRATEGY to change your belief about WHAT’S REALLY POSSIBLE FOR YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
    Knowing how to use local, must-try, NATURAL HERBAL MEDICINE for optimal health.
    The secret to why weight loss has been a challenge—FOOD INTOLERANCE.
    How to surrender the struggle and overwhelm with PROVEN STEPS TO FIND FLOW IN YOUR LIFE.
    How messages from the past can block abundance, prosperity, and MONEY.
    How to become a hot, SENSUALLY EMPOWERED woman now.
    What you can do naturally today to prevent any type of CANCER.
    What you can do when starting to EXERCISE! (Do this first if you want it to stick.)
    How to recognize and cope effectively with TRIGGERS FOR EMOTIONAL EATING.
    How to extinguish NEGATIVE SELF-TALK FOR SOARING SELF-ESTEEM.
    How to RELEASE WEIGHT: what’s been holding you back, and how you can overcome those barriers.
    Why you still feel FLAT and UNFULFILLED even when you reach your goals.
    How to handle the inevitable plateau—what you need to know to STAY ON TRACK.

Sounds good, right? Click this link and sign up!

 

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Wellness Tagged With: caregiving, Jane Heller, Love Your Body More Telesummit, Love Your Mind, Roberta Mittman, wellness, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

Such A Pretty Place

July 26, 2012

Resorts and restaurants come and go, not only in Litchfield County, CT where I’m winding up my July vacation, but around the country. But the Hopkins Inn, a charming 19th century inn with a lovely restaurant overlooking Lake Waramaug, has been a local institution for years. It was on my list of To Do’s when I got here, and Michael and I finally had lunch there the other day.

The owners are Austrian, so the ambiance is Old World Continental. In other words, the waitresses all dress like they’re extras in “The Sound of Music” and the menu features items like Wiener Schnitzel. When you sit on the flagstone patio and gaze out to the lake, sipping the German version of a Bellini (it’s got peach schnapps in it), you feel as if you’re in Europe.

One of life’s pleasures is revisiting places you’ve loved and finding that nothing has changed – in a good way. The Hopkins Inn is as wonderful as it was 20 years ago, the last time I was there. Michael thought so too.

 

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: Hopkins Inn, Lake Waramaug, Litchfield County, Warren CT

My Husband's Birthday Dessert

July 12, 2012

My idea of heaven is chocolate, but last night was Michael’s night – and he enjoyed every spoonful of it. The sundae on his plate, which had “Happy Birthday” written on it, was his idea of heaven: fresh strawberries, strawberry sauce, vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. Oh, and there was a small pitcher of chocolate sauce on the table and after I took the photo he decided to pour some on his already decadent dessert.

We were out feting Michael’s milestone at BLT Steak at the Ritz Carlton in White Plains with my mother, sister and Mom’s trusty companion, and it was quite a meal with lots of laughs and good food. It was also one of my husband’s “good days,” Crohn’s wise, and he doesn’t have them all that often. He was able to eat without pain and enjoy his own birthday and for that we were both grateful.

As I get ready to promote You’d Better Not Die or I’ll Kill You, I’ve been thinking a lot about the hours in hospitals and doctors’ offices and waiting rooms during our 20 years together and how I hope the book will help others caring for a family member with a chronic or critical illness, but last night was all about not being sick. It was about savoring strawberry sundaes and celebrating life.

P.S. Here’s the latest cover of the book. Love how colorful it is.

 

 

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Wellness Tagged With: birthdays, BLT Steak, caregivers survival guide, Chronicle Books, strawberry dessert, White Plains, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

My New Favorite Thing

March 7, 2012

If you told me I’d be giving up my sugary-y cereal-in-a-box to eat homemade-mush in the morning, I’d say, “No way.” But that’s what I did – happily. After reading an article about all the processed stuff that was going into my Kellogg’s products and also thinking it might be healthier to stop shoveling down so much wheat, I found Dr. Oz’s recipe for his “Muesli Power Breakfast” and decided to try it (with my own modifications).

Who knew uncooked rolled oats could be so tasty? Who knew almond milk could be so tasty?

Here’s Dr. Oz’s version:

Ingredients
1/2 cup uncooked rolled oats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/2 tbsp ground flaxseed
Walnuts
Almonds
Berries

Directions
Mix together the uncooked rolled oats, milk, ground flaxseed and nuts and refrigerate overnight. Add berries in the morning.

 

Here’s mine:

I substituted almond milk for the 2% cow’s. I added more flaxseed (it reminds me of wheat germ, which I actually like). I passed on the berries and used more nuts instead, plus a squirt of honey.

I guess berries are important, antioxidant wise, so I’ll probably use them at some point. Or maybe a banana. I’m just so not a fruit lover. Nuts are the food of the gods for me.

The point is that muesli is filling and delicious and I couldn’t be more surprised about it.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Wellness Tagged With: breakfast recipes, Dr. Oz, muesli

Maybe I'm On To Something With This Caregiver Book

March 2, 2012

The other day I had lunch with my investment banker. He said, “Do you have a new book coming out?”

I said, “Yes, it’s called YOU’D BETTER NOT DIE OR I’LL KILL YOU.”

He laughed. “Great title.”

“Thanks,” I said. “Chronicle Books is the publisher. It’s a survival guide for people like me who are caring for a spouse, parent, child, or other family member with a chronic or critical illness. It’s got humorous essays about my personal experience with Michael as well as interviews with other caregivers and advice from a whole group of experts. And it’s not depressing.”

“Man, I wish I had that book now,” he said. “I’d give it to my sister, who’s taking care of her brother with ALS.”

The next day I got an email from a friend in New Jersey. She wrote, “I’m going out of my mind taking care of my aunt, who has Alzheimer’s.”

I told her about my book. “It’s coming out in October,” I added.

“I sure wish I could buy a copy now,” she said.

The day after that I ran into a woman here in Santa Barbara who said, “Sorry I haven’t called, but we put my mother in an assisted living facility and it’s been a very emotional experience.”

I told her about my book and said there was a chapter on that very subject.

“I need the book the second it comes out,” she said with a mixture of exhaustion and gratitude.

It seems as if everyone I come in contact with has a story about having to care for someone they love. There’s a collective sigh, a collective look of fatigue and helplessness, a collective need to relax and actually have a laugh about the situation. I wish I could get the book out sooner to lighten people’s loads, but I’m glad it’s on the way.

I just turned in the second copy-edited manuscript to Chronicle and we’re on track for October publication, with the book shipping in late August. Their design team is working on it now, and their art department is supposed to show me some cover samples soon. The marketing director called to discuss plans for promotion and I’m stoked for all this to come together. I’m hoping anyone reading this blog will also help me get the word out.

 

Filed Under: Humor, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: caregiving, Chronicle Books, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

Gloria Steinem Still Rocks

January 11, 2012

I finally got to see the HBO documentary about Steinem tonight that had originally aired a few months ago. I’d almost forgotten what a giant figure she was and how many many ways she changed the culture.

The documentary was very well done, told in Steinem’s own words and taking us from her unhappy childhood in the Midwest to her early years in NYC to her historic contributions to the women’s movement.

I interviewed her when her book about self esteem was published. She couldn’t have been more gracious, more generous with her time and – most unusually for someone so famous – more honest. She explained that her aviator glasses had been a disguise, hiding the insecure girl she was inside. She told me about her parents; how their divorce and her mother’s “nervous breakdown” forced her to be the caregiver in the household. She spoke about how much she cared about equality, not just for American women but for women around the world, no matter what their race, ethnicity or economic status.

It makes me laugh when I see young women today who turn up their noses at the word “feminist” – even as they sit in their big corner offices at corporations where they would never have gotten a job if not for Steinem and others.

I never marched on Washington or burned my bra or even bought a subscription to Ms. magazine, but I’ve always had the highest respect for Steinem and was glad she got her due on HBO.

 

 

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Politics, Popular culture, Television Tagged With: feminism, Gloria Steinem, HBO documentary, Ms. magazine, women's movement

I Have New Respect For Paula Deen

December 18, 2011

I’m a devoted fan of the Food Network with a particular fondness for Ina, Giada, Bobby and anybody associated with “Iron Chef” and “Chopped.” But when it comes to Paula “Y’all” Deen, I turn the channel immediately. The thought of watching her lard every single recipe with either tubs of butter or vats of heavy cream makes me ill.

But then I read today’s Daily Beast article about her. Am I the only one who didn’t know she spent years in her house, crippled by agoraphobia? She couldn’t do anything except cook, it turns out. But then she saw a segment on the “Phil Donahue Show” in which agoraphobia was discussed. Suddenly, there was a name for what she had and she became determined to make it go away.

She not only summoned up the strength to go out, but she reinvented herself by cooking for other people. Now, she’s a multi-million-dollar business.

I had a character with agoraphobia in my novel Some Nerve, and did some research on the anxiety disorder. It’s not fun. It’s difficult to get over. It isolates some of its sufferers to the point of suicide.

So kudos to Paula Deen for not only beating it but for thriving.

Still, I wish she’d go easy on the butter and cream.

 

 

Filed Under: Food, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Television, Wellness Tagged With: agoraphobia, Daily Beast, Food Network, Paula Deen, Some Nerve

Getting In Shape Hurts

November 30, 2011

Does this woman look like she inflicts pain and suffering on others?

Of course not. She looks sweet and innocent and gentle.

Ha!

She’s Jenny Schatzle, and she’s a personal trainer in Santa Barbara – not just any personal trainer but one who leads fitness bootcamps that are all the rage here.

And now she’s my personal trainer too. Yup, I decided it was time to do more than take my occasional walks. I want definition in my arms, let alone actual muscles. I want legs that don’t wobble when I try to balance on them. Most of all, I want a flat stomach and a butt that doesn’t sag and a healthier lifestyle, and Jenny says she’ll make those dreams come true.

We had our first training session yesterday, and I’m so sore I can hardly type this post. She had me doing sit-ups and push-ups and squats and lunges – over and over and without stopping – and at one point I yelled, “You’re a total dominatrix!”

She laughed and said, “Okay, now do another thirty more of those.”

The plan is for me to work out with her once a week and to do her exercises on my own on the other days. We’ll see how long this lasts. My heart is there. I just hope my body can handle it.

 

 

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Wellness Tagged With: Jenny Schatzle, personal trainer, Santa Barbara

The Ideal Gloves For A Cold Writer

November 9, 2011

It was my friend Melodie’s birthday the other day, and we always exchange presents. She’s a mystery writer and, like me, sits at the computer all day. (Check out her web site on the links list over on the right.) The problem is that every time I shop for a gift for her, I always end up buying the same gift for myself.

It’s not birthday envy; I have little interest anymore of being another year older. And it’s not that I have to horn in on her special day. It’s just that when I find something cool at a store, which isn’t all that often, I say, “I want one of those too.” Apparently, I don’t have the self-control to say, “No, Jane. You’re just buying one for Melodie.”

So there I was at a store in Santa Barbara, browsing aimlessly, not knowing what I was looking for, when I finally told the saleswoman that I had this friend who was a writer and I didn’t want to spend a ton of money but I wanted to get her something pretty and well-made and useful.

She guided me over to a shelf full of lovely, handmade wool gloves in various colors and said, “How about a pair of these?”

I picked up the camel, sandy-colored ones and said, “They’re beautiful – so soft – but where are the fingers?”

She explained that fingerless gloves were all the rage for people who wanted to be warm in the cold weather but free to dial their iPhones and BlackBerries, maneuver while holding their car keys, etc. And then she said, “They’re perfect for someone who uses a computer keypad.”

Bingo. I tried on the gloves, wiggled my fingers around and thought I had hit on a miracle. My hands are often cold when I’m working. Yes, I live in California, but I’m way up in the hills where the temperature dips in the winter. How exciting to have gloves that would allow me to type but keep the rest of my hands nice and toasty.

“I’ll take them,” I said. “I mean I’ll take two pairs. Same color.”

Melodie loved hers. And I’m wearing mine right now. So it’s kind of my birthday too, even though it isn’t.

 

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: fingerless gloves, Melodie Johnson Howe, Montecito, Upstairs at Pierre Lafond

Color Me Clueless

October 14, 2011

I watched the Republican debate the other night, and I had many opinions about the candidates. But the one observation I neglected to make was that Ron Paul might be wearing “eyebrow toupees.” I didn’t even know such things existed until I read this article in the fashion and style section of yesterday’s New York Times.

Raising Eyebrows
By JESSE McKINLEY
Published: October 12, 2011

IT wasn’t quite the slip-up (or slip-down, as it were) most people expect during a presidential campaign, but whatever happened to Ron Paul’s eyebrows at Tuesday night’s debate certainly caught some viewers’ attention.

For those of you not yet riveted by the Republican race, Mr. Paul, the dark-horse libertarian with equally dusky brows, was a victim of hot lights, faulty adhesive or merely a devilish optical illusion when his right eyebrow seemed to dip toward the stage at Dartmouth College.

Seen on television, Mr. Paul appeared to have a second, thinner brow under the one headed south, creating a delicate X over his right eye.

Jesse Benton, a campaign spokesman, insisted that Mr. Paul had been the victim of the elements, namely a heavy pollen season in New Hampshire, and called accusations that he’d been artificially enhancing “stupid” and “insulting.”

“Dr. Paul’s allergies acted up a touch,” Mr. Benton said in an explanation that might raise some, you know, questions.

Not that Mr. Paul would be blamed for trying to keep up with bushy brows like Rick Perry’s, whose upper-eye area is full, or Mitt Romney, whose orbital outliers are sometimes speckled with gray. Whatever the cause, eyebrow toupees appear to be a flourishing business. Experts in the field of eyebrow maintenance said that if the falling follicles were artificial, the buck should stop somewhere. Marina Valmy de Haydu, the executive vice president of the Christine Valmy beauty schools, said most glues used to apply false eyebrows were designed to withstand the rigors of stage lights and intense questions about the national debt.

“Those glues are almost indestructible,” Ms. De Haydu said. “So whoever put it on for him did not put it on correctly.”

Not that anyone did.

Eyebrow toupees? Hm.

Photo: Scott Eells/NYTimes.com

Paul’s right one does seem to droop below the “real” one. And now that I think about it, doesn’t Whoopi Goldberg go without trying to cover her non-eyebrows?

I just never focus on other people’s eyebrows, let alone whether they’re real or not; they’re a body part that doesn’t enter into my consciousness much. But thanks to Ron Paul, I’m now officially obsessed with them.

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, News stories, Popular culture Tagged With: eyebrow toupees, hair extensions, Republican debate, Ron Paul, Whoopi Goldberg

A Rant About Chainsaws. Yes, Chainsaws.

October 13, 2011

I’m a writer. I like my peace and quiet. I need my peace and quiet. I can’t think/focus/create when there’s one of the following noises:

  1. Barking dog.
  2. Garbage truck backing up.
  3. Air conditioner thumping.
  4. TV on in another room.
  5. Anybody talking anywhere.

I’ve been blessed (or cursed, depending on your perspective) with freakishly good hearing. Michael insists I could hear a bird shit in the woods of, say, Australia. I’m sensitive to sounds of all sorts, true enough, but the one sound that drives me absolutely insane is the buzz of a chainsaw.

When did this object of torture become the instrument of choice by gardeners and landscapers? I know it’s been around for years, but it just seems as if a day – no, make that an early morning – doesn’t go by without me throwing up my hands in frustration when I hear that thing going off. Can’t anybody do any work by hand? Must they pollute my quietude by firing up their chainsaws and destroying my concentration? Can’t the manufacturers produce a chainsaw that doesn’t break eardrums, the same way car companies have taken down the noise level of engines, as in hybrids?

Right this minute, as I type this, a neighbor’s chainsaw is sawing right through my brain. I’m dying to walk over and stomp on the thing, but I’m way too well-mannered. Sadly.

 

 

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: chainsaws, gardeners, landscapers

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • Next Page »

Search

Archives

Food and recipes

  • Epicurious
  • Food Network
  • Seriously Simple

Hollywood

  • Company Town
  • Deadline Hollywood
  • The Bold and the Beautiful
  • The Envelope
  • The Film Geek Confidential
  • The Vulture Pages
  • The Wrap

My California Writing Buddies

  • Ciji Ware
  • Deborah Hutchison
  • Gayle Lynds
  • Jenna McCarthy
  • Laurie Burrows Grad
  • Margo Candela
  • Melodie Johnson Howe
  • Starshine Roshell

My New Connecticut Writing Buddies

  • Lauren Lipton
  • Marie Bostwick

News, politics, pop culture

  • The Daily Beast
  • The Huffington Post

Writing and publishing

  • eBookNewser
  • GalleyCat
  • Gawker
  • Publishers Lunch
  • Publishers Weekly

Follow Me!

  • Jane Heller on Goodreads
  • Jane Heller on Pinterest
  • Jane Heller on Facebook
  • Jane Heller on Twitter

Get in touch!

I’d love to hear from you! Contact me!

About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.

Copyright © 2021 Jane Heller