Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

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Being the Best of Something

December 17, 2012

 

No, I’m not talking about winning an Oscar, although Hollywood’s awards season is here and I’m busily trying to see all the films that’ll be nominated as well as those that should be.

This is about me. I’ve never won an award or even been named the “best” at anything. (Well, let me amend that. I won the “best in tennis” award when I was in summer camp, along with a “most improved” in swimming.) But that changed today when I got an email telling me that one of my articles for Huffington Post/50 (the section for those of us in mid-life) was among their top 20 blog posts of 2012. Was I ever flattered!

So in honor of me, here are Huff/Po50‘s top 20 blog posts of the year. Check them all out, because they’re really good, but smile especially wide when you read mine.

 

 

Filed Under: Humor, Mainly Jane, Movies Tagged With: Baby Boomers, caregiving, dementia, elderly parents, Huff/Po50, Huffington Post, sibling rivalry, sisters, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

The Beauty of Web Cam Shows

November 26, 2012

I did a national TV show today to promote YOU’D BETTER NOT DIE OR I’LL KILL YOU and I didn’t even have to leave my house. The Huffington Post launched HuffPoLive a few months ago and invited me to be a guest for a segment on caregiving and National Caregivers Month. Here’s the link in case anyone wants to copy, paste and watch:

http://huff.lv/TmnBp

(I’m sure there’s a way to embed it here, but it beats me how.)

Anyway, I’d never done a show that was live streaming on the web, so I wondered if I’d like it. Result? I loved it. How easy! How convenient! You can reach a national audience and not have to get on an airplane – my idea of heaven.

All I had to do was pop in my ear buds, plug them into my computer, turn off my phone so there wouldn’t be any distracting noise, click on the link for the Google Hangout chat and there I was – on the show with the host and three other guests for a half-hour.

The best part? You can only see me from the waist up, so I didn’t have to get out of my grungy yoga pants and worn-out Ugg slippers. Again, my idea of heaven.

Actually, if the segment helped other caregivers and made them feel less alone and bewildered, that would be the best part.

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Popular culture, Television, Wellness Tagged With: caregivers, caregiving, Huffington Post, HuffPoLive, webcam shows, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

I Love Bill Maher, But…

June 4, 2012

As everybody knows by now, Maher, whom I happen to watch every Friday night and whose “New Rules” make me laugh, bought a minority stake in the Mets. I didn’t even know he liked baseball. But now I get it. He’s a Mets fan and, therefore, a Yankees hater, which provoked his quote today in Huffington Post that “Steinbrenner and Trump should be buried together.” Oh, Bill. How could you?

Here’s the article.

The New York Mets organization isn’t exactly known for its exquisite taste in financial partners. This is a franchise, after all, that recently settled a lawsuit stemming from its association with Bernard L. Madoff for $162 million. So it was amusing when Michelle Malkin and other right-wing commentators reacted to the news that comedian Bill Maher had purchased a minority stake in the team with the kind of moral indignation they normally reserve for things like taxes, or efforts to remove the Ten Commandments from suburban courtrooms.

Naturally, nobody found the spectacle more amusing than the new owner himself, who has been known to ridicule the right on his HBO political-comedy series, “Real Time With Bill Maher.” “You know they saw this yesterday and went, ‘Bill Maher? Owns part of a baseball team? AAAARGGHH!'” Maher told The Huffington Post. “And then they had to figure out why they were mad. Because it’s not immediately apparent why this should be horrible, but they knew it was horrible and then they had to work back to finding a reason why it was horrible. And of course, I just love to fuck with their heads.”

As part of its plan to pay down debts in the wake of the Madoff disaster, the Mets recently announced that they had raised $240 million by selling 12 four-percent shares in the team. Several of those shares were sold to principal owner Fred Wilpon’s company, Sterling Equity, and to SNY, the network that broadcasts the team’s games. (Sterling owns 70 percent of SNY.) Until the Maher announcement, only three other individual investors had been identified: hedge-fund legend Steve Cohen, who reportedly bought a full $20 million stake, and Clear Channel C.E.O. Bob Pittman and Huffington Post co-founder Kenneth Lerer, who went in together on another.

The day after the announcement, Maher spoke to The Huffington Post about his new responsibilities (or lack thereof), his hopes for the team and his distaste for the Steinbrenner/Trump style of doing business.

Michael Hogan: This is exciting news for Mets fans and comedy fans. I’m just curious, what powers do you actually have now as an owner of the Mets?

Bill Maher: Oh, I decide who is the relief pitcher. [Laughs.] No, nothing. You know, I’m a minority owner. We just enjoy the ballgame. The great national pastime.

Can you at least call the Wilpons during a bad game and give them a piece of your mind?

No, I don’t think even they do it. I mean, good owners stay out of the way. One of the main reasons that I’m a big Mets fan and not a big Yankees fan is because I hated George Steinbrenner. To me, George Steinbrenner did not represent New York well. I know people love him because he was a winner. Well, to me, growing up as a kid, I was taught that winning is important but it’s not everything. That was George Steinbrenner’s world — winning is everything — and that’s not the way I think America and New York should be represented. I love New York, but I do think that Steinbrenner and Trump should be buried together.

When these ownership stakes were announced, a lot of people shied away from them. Why did you see opportunity where other people saw danger?

You know, it’s so funny you ask that, because that’s the first thing I asked. How come these didn’t sell in a day? There are lots of people in New York way richer than I am. And you know what the answer is? Everybody told me the same thing, because I asked around. They said, “Every day, if you live in New York, all you read about in the papers is the press shitting on the Mets.” You know, they were going through that Madoff lawsuit, and they had traded their best player. The press was just merciless to them. And it scared everybody off. And I kept just saying, “You know what? This is the New York Mets. There’s only one National League franchise in the city of New York. It’s not going anywhere. And it’s a national treasure.” And I didn’t do it for sentimental reasons. I can’t afford to do things for sentimental reasons. I do love the Mets, and have rooted for them ever since they came into existence, which was shortly after I came into existence, but I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think it was a good investment. And you know, after the Dodgers sold for over $2 billion, everybody who told me not to do it called and told me what a great idea it was.

Now, did the Mets tell you how much of your money is going to pay Bobby Bonilla?

[Laughs.] Bobby Bonilla. And Mo Vaughn! Oh, yes, there were a few bad deals. But that’s any team. You know, I’ll tell you, I spent a long time on the field yesterday and I met the players and I hung out before the game where they’re just clowning around in the locker room, and you could just tell that there’s a good vibe on this team. First of all, they’re playing loose because they were picked to be last. Everybody said they would be horrendous this year. And management said, “Well, you know what? We might surprise you. We think we’re a lot better.” And that should buy them a little credibility, because they are a lot better. I mean, they just won three from the World Champs and allowed one run in three games.

And had the first no-hitter in their history, which I saw that you took credit for.

I took total credit for that. As soon as I got to the East Coast and bought a piece of this team, they got a no-hitter. Hadn’t happened in 50 years, so you do the math.

A lot of people thought this was going to be a rebuilding year for the Mets. Do you think there’s a chance that they’re going to make some moves and try to make the World Series after all?

Well, I think it would be fantastic. I think their biggest problem so far, although they were good last night, is the bullpen. It looks like they could use a little help in the bullpen. But you know, a baseball team or any sports team, these athletes are at such an elite level. I had never stood next to the batting cage. I mean, when you stand right next to them and watch them hit the ball — oh, my God, these guys just murder the ball. I mean, they just bomb these things out of the park. You can’t believe how good they are, and so what I’m trying to get to is the fact that, yeah, their physical talent is all off the chart. It’s a mental thing. It’s a lot about team chemistry, and how much they want it, and how much they play together, and I think that’s why they’re surprising a lot of people. Because I think this Mets team has that. So I mean, yeah, why not go for it this year?

So you think maybe they will try to build up the bullpen?

I think so. They have a very crafty general manager, Sandy Alderson, who’s been around forever. And he’s like in the role of Brad Pitt now, in that movie.

What’s your favorite first baseman’s accessory for the Mets: Keith Hernandez’s mustache or John Olerud’s helmet?

Gee, you really do know the Mets. Wow. Actually, I got [former Mets first baseman] Ed Kranepool’s autograph. He said, “Would you like me to sign your cap?” I said, “Sure.” I didn’t really want him to, but O.K. As he’s signing, he said, “What do you do for a living?” I said, “I’m a comedian.”

O.K., my last question for you. Any chance you can change the slogan of the team to “You Gotta Disbelieve”?

Oh, come on. Why would I do that? No. You know, one of the great things about this is that I finally found something I can be apolitical about. And I’ll just say this. Being part of owning a Major League Baseball team is amazing. Participating in the national pastime is fantastic. But making Fox News nuts over it — priceless.

I’m not paying much attention to the MLB draft tonight, so let me know if the Yankees sign somebody good.

 

Filed Under: Confessions of a She-Fan Tagged With: Bill Maher, George Steinbrenner, Huffington Post, Mets, Yankees

Federer Lost Today, But At Least He Didn't Go Nuts

June 29, 2011

Instead, Roger Fed behaved like the gentleman he is, congratulated his opponent, spoke to the media and told fans at Wimbledon he’d be back next year. In other words, he was disappointed but didn’t act like a spoiled brat about it…

Unlike those in this highly entertaining Huffington Post highlights reel of tennis temper tantrums.

My favorite among the nine videos has to be McEnroe – just for old time’s sake.

I used to play a lot of tennis. I mean A LOT. I grew up next door to public courts and loved to hit against their backboard when I was too young to get into actual games. I continued to play right through college, where I was on the women’s varsity team, and then at tennis clubs where I won tournaments in singles and doubles. I only had one meltdown and it didn’t happen on the court. It was after I got home.

I had just played in the first round of a tournament I was supposed to win. My opponent was  a woman who hit nothing but soft stuff – lobs and bloopers and junk – and I was so frustrated I lost focus and, eventually, the match. I couldn’t believe it. Neither could my opponent. And the people watching were equally stunned.

I was very polite as I shook hands at the net, then got into my car and started driving…and driving. That’s when I felt the tears – big, stupid, snot-inducing, crybaby tears – and kept driving. By the time I got to my house it was late and I was a mess.

I was such a mess that I forgot I was having guests for dinner.

They were there when I walked in. They asked what was wrong with me, given that my face was red and puffy. I said I had just lost a tennis match.

“You were crying because of tennis?” said the wife, incredulous.

I nodded.

“That’s a relief,” said the husband. “We thought somebody died.”

I was embarrassed – embarrassed enough not to have a hissy over a match ever again.

 

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Sports Tagged With: Huffington Post, John McEnroe, Roger Federer, tennis, tennis tantrums, Wimbledon

Just When I Thought Life Couldn't Get Any Tackier…

June 6, 2011

…I discovered a term that’s made it into our lexicon: “Breastaurant.”

Apparently, some genius combined “breast” and “restaurant” to describe eateries like Hooters that feature waitresses whose outfits show off their boobs.

What’s more, there are breastaurants popping up all over the country and they’re doing big business, according to an article I read today on Huffington Post.

“Breastaurants,” the term used to describe restaurants that feature scantily-clad women as waitresses, are poised to become one of the fastest-growing restaurant categories, according to Entrepreneur magazine.”

Isn’t that thrilling? In addition to Hooters, some of the other breastaurant chains named in the article are – wait for it – Twin Peaks, Mugs ‘N Jugs, Burger Girl and The Honey Shack.

Is this really what Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem fought for during the height of the feminist movement? I realize that jobs are tough to come by in this economy, but whatever happened to women who wanted to be taken seriously?

 

Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Popular culture Tagged With: breastaurants, Hooters, Huffington Post

I Thought This Was Hilarious

March 10, 2011

Apparently, people can tell what sort of a person you are by your email address? Check out this Huffington Post piece today. Talk about stereotyping.

If you’re an AOL user:

AOL users are most likely to be overweight women ages 35-64 who have a high school diploma and are spiritual, but not religious. They tend to be politically middle of the road, in a relationship of 10+ years, and have children. AOL users live in the suburbs and haven’t traveled outside their own country. Family is their first priority. AOL users mostly read magazines, have a desktop computer, listen to the radio, and watch TV on 1-3 DVRs in their home. At home, they lounge around in sweats. AOL users are optimistic extroverts who prefer sweet snacks and like working on a team.

If you’re into Gmail:

Gmail users are most likely to be thin young men ages 18-34 who are college-educated and not religious. Like other young Hunch users, they tend to be politically liberal, single (and ready to mingle), and childless. Gmail users live in cities and have traveled to five or more countries. They’re career-focused and plugged in — they mostly read blogs, have an iPhone and laptop, and listen to music via MP3s and computers (but they don’t have a DVR). At home, they lounge around in a t-shirt and jeans. Gmail users prefer salty snacks and are introverted and entrepreneurial. They are optimistic or pessimistic, depending on the situation.

If Hotmail’s your thing:

Hotmail users are most likely to be young women of average build ages 18-34 (and younger) who have a high school diploma and are not religious. They tend to be politically middle of the road, single, and childless. Hotmail users live in the suburbs, perhaps still with their parents, and have traveled to up to five countries. They mostly read magazines and contemporary fiction, have a laptop, and listen to music via MP3s and computers (but they don’t have a DVR). At home, Hotmail users lounge around in a t-shirt and jeans. They’re introverts who prefer sweet snacks and like working on a team. They consider themselves more pessimistic, but sometimes it depends on the situation.

And Yahoo users are:

Yahoo! users are most likely to be overweight women ages 18-49 who have a high school diploma and are spiritual, but not religious. They tend to be politically middle of the road, in a relationship of 1-5 years, and have children. Yahoo! users live in the suburbs or in rural areas and haven’t traveled outside their own country. Family is their first priority. They mostly read magazines, are almost equally likely to have a laptop or desktop computer, listen to the radio and cds, and watch TV on 1-2 DVRs in their home. At home, Yahoo! users lounge around in pajamas. They’re extroverts who prefer sweet snacks and like working on a team. Yahoo! users are optimistic or pessimistic, depending on the situation.

I love how they can tell what size you are and what you like to eat. I mean, come on.


Filed Under: Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, Popular culture Tagged With: AOL, email addresses, Gmail, Hotmail, Huffington Post, stereotyping, Yahoo

I'm Sort of Conflicted About This Story

March 1, 2011

Maybe you’ve already seen it on Huffington Post, but it was news to me. The gist is that a twentysomething woman in Texas who’d been rejected by NY publishers is now “making millions” by self-publishing her work as e-books. Why am I conflicted?

One one hand, I’m cheering for the author. Seriously cheering. There’s nothing I love more than a story about someone who’s endured rejection after rejection and at some point says, “Enough, you people! I’ll do it myself!”The fact that she not only did it herself but became a success is fantastic. The truth is, NY publishers don’t know everything. When I worked as a publicist back in the day, there were countless tales of books that had been passed over by one publishing house only to go on and become huge sellers elsewhere. Or, as legendary screenwriter William Goldman famously said about decision makers in Hollywood, “Nobody knows anything.” So again, good for the author for going it alone and fulfilling her dream.

On the other hand, I feel sorry for publishers. I used to be one of them and I hate to see them lose their grip. They’re struggling to adapt to a changing marketplace. They have fewer employees than they used to. Everybody’s overworked and underpaid. They have corporate owners now. They’re under intense pressure to score a bestseller and have little incentive to say yes to a manuscript that seems even the slightest bit risky.

Of course, publishers do bring some of their problems on themselves. I mean whose brilliant idea was it to publish the autobiography of Justin Bieber or, as was announced today, Bristol Palin? Why throw money at people just because they’re famous when there are genuinely talented writers out there? Will we read about a $10 million book deal for Charlie Sheen tomorrow? (Please no.)

One of these days I’d like to publish a novel in an e-book only format and see what happens. Just for something different. If the young woman in Texas can do it, so can I, right?

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Popular culture Tagged With: ebooks, Huffington Post, New York publishers, William Goldman

Oscar Countdown Part 4

February 24, 2011

With the expansion of the Best Picture category to 10 films (I’d like to see them go back to 5, but that’s for another post), it’s easy to overlook the movie “Winter’s Bone.” No mega-budget. No “A”-list stars. And definitely not a warm-and-fuzzy story.

Based on Dan Woodrell’s dark and twisty novel, “Winter’s Bone” is about a young girl who must go in search of her meth-dealing father in order to hold on to her family home. Jennifer Lawrence is utterly compelling as the film’s centerpiece, but it’s the setting – the oh-so-grim Ozarks – that steals the show. Talk about stepping into a place you’d rather not visit. Still, there are real places like the one depicted in the movie; they exist and they’re right here in the good old U.S. – places where people like Jennifer Lawrence’s character struggle to put food on the table every day.

I first heard about “Winter’s Bone” from my literary agent, who represents Woodrell too. She told me his book had been optioned and that the film was actually getting produced – AND that it was being screened at Sundance. Not only did it make it to Sundance but it won the festival’s top prize, so I couldn’t wait to see it. Michael and I went the day it opened. Despite his affection for “The King’s Speech” and “The Social Network,” “Winter’s Bone” was his favorite movie of the year, hands down.

Here’s a piece from today’s Huffington Post reminding us just how good “Winter’s Bone” is. If you haven’t seen it, see it!

Filed Under: Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture Tagged With: Academy Awards, Best Picture, Daniel Woodrell, Huffington Post, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscars, Sundance Film Festival, Winter's Bone

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About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.

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