Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

Meredith Viera Leaves The "Today" Show And I Missed It

Photo: AP/NBC/The Today Show

Actually, I missed her entire tenure at the show. I haven’t watched morning television since Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel left “Today,” and it’s simply because I’ve changed my schedule. I used to wake up, eat breakfast and read the morning papers while the show was on. Now? I don’t read “papers” anymore; I browse them online while I eat. Then I start my writing day.

But it’s weird how old habits don’t necessarily die hard. I was a “Today” show watcher for years and then, suddenly, I stopped and never missed it. I don’t miss the interviews. I don’t miss the cooking segments. I don’t miss the gags out on the plaza with Al Roker. I don’t miss listening to Ann Curry read the news in that earnest, cloyingly sweet way of hers.

I do wish I’d spent more time with Meredith Viera though. I respect the choices she’s made in her career (not counting hosting “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire”) – from bumping up against her bosses at CBS News when she was pregnant to stepping down from “Today” to spend more time with her kids and her husband, who has M.S. and has had colon cancer.

What I really wish is that I could interview her for my caregiver book. I’m sure she’d have a lot to say about having a spouse with a chronic illness while juggling career and family. I just need to find someone who knows her and can put in a good word for me. If you’re out there, someone, please tell her I’ll only need 30 minutes on the phone.

 

 

Just When I Thought Life Couldn't Get Any Tackier…

…I discovered a term that’s made it into our lexicon: “Breastaurant.”

Apparently, some genius combined “breast” and “restaurant” to describe eateries like Hooters that feature waitresses whose outfits show off their boobs.

What’s more, there are breastaurants popping up all over the country and they’re doing big business, according to an article I read today on Huffington Post.

“Breastaurants,” the term used to describe restaurants that feature scantily-clad women as waitresses, are poised to become one of the fastest-growing restaurant categories, according to Entrepreneur magazine.”

Isn’t that thrilling? In addition to Hooters, some of the other breastaurant chains named in the article are – wait for it – Twin Peaks, Mugs ‘N Jugs, Burger Girl and The Honey Shack.

Is this really what Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem fought for during the height of the feminist movement? I realize that jobs are tough to come by in this economy, but whatever happened to women who wanted to be taken seriously?

 

The Tale Of The Yarmulke-Wearing Bank Robber

Here in Santa Barbara, we’ve been having a rash of bank robberies. I figured it was the economy. Either that, or it was the homey, step-right-in vibe of our local banks.

In any case, the police finally caught the guy who’s been making the rounds and taking off with cash. How? I’ll let the Santa Barbara Independent explain.

Santa Barbara detectives have arrested 52-year-old Raymond Davenport on suspicion of robbing a bank last week in Goleta.

At approximately 10:15 a.m. on May 27, reported Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Drew Sugars, a man wearing a suit and yarmulke on his head robbed a Santa Barbara Bank and Trust on the 5000 block of Hollister. The man allegedly walked in and demanded money from one of the tellers, saying he had a weapon. The suspect was given an undisclosed amount of cash before making off on foot.

That day, the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s Office released photos captured by the bank’s surveillance cameras and distributed them to the media with the hope that locals or witnesses would recognize him. The police eventually did receive tips from the public and, with assistance from the San Mateo and Santa Clara Sheriff’s Offices, they were able to identify Davenport as the suspect.

He was arrested without incident at his home on the night of June 1 in Santa Barbara. Upon further investigation into Davenport’s criminal record, detectives discovered he had been connected to three bank robberies in the San Mateo and Santa Clara Counties in late April and early May. Davenport had two previous warrants out for his arrest in those counties.

What cracks me up about all this is the yarmulke part. Here’s a pic of the guy from the bank’s security camera.

Did he really think that posing as a Jew would make him look less threatening? Less recognizable? Less easy to catch? Memo to him: There aren’t all that many Jews in Santa Barbara.

If he’d wanted to blend in, he should have dressed like this.

(courtesy: associatedcontent.com)

 

 

 

I Have Water!!!!

What a relief. It came back on about 3:30 this afternoon and was I ever glad to see it. It was if we had been without it for weeks instead of just days. Toilets were finally flushed, showers were finally taken, dishwasher loads were finally run – such excitement in our household! Crisis over.

It’s amazing what a good excuse not having water turned out to be as far as my writing. Every time I’d sit down at the computer I’d start obsessing about The Water Problem – when it would be resolved, whether we should head over to a hotel, blah blah blah – and before I knew it my writing time was wasted. I could kick myself. Now that I’m starting to feel up to tackling work again after my surgery, I should have been working, not dwelling on something I couldn’t control. Grrr.

I did download another book for my Kindle. Ever since I bought the sweet little gizmo I’ve become a downloading fool. It’s just so much easier to buy and read books now. And I got the most beautiful Cole Haan leather cover for it.

The book I’m reading is Chelsea Handler’s Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.

I know. I’m late to the party with this one too. I’m catching up on all the bestsellers I’ve been missing. I decided to get Handler’s second book because it’s the basis for an upcoming TV series this fall and I wanted to see what Hollywood bought. I’ve never really watched her late-night show on E! but after devouring the first 50 pages of the book, I have to say she’s nuts – in a good way. I’ve been laughing throughout at her total brashness. And I thought I had a vivid imagination. She has me beat by a longshot.

 

 

 

When The Well Runs Dry

Literally.

Last night I turned on the faucet in the kitchen. Michael and I had just finished dinner and it was time to rinse off the dishes, pots and pans and let them soak.

Wrong. Nothing came out of the faucet. No-thing.

No water from the bathroom faucets either. We were dry.

It turns out that the well pump died and there won’t be a new one installed for at least another day.

At first I freaked out. Michael was all excited because he loves camping and thinks “roughing it” is fun. I, on the other hand, am a princess who does not appreciate being inconvenienced in the areas of teeth brushing, showering, toilet flushing, and anything else that I take for granted.

My first call was to the woman who does my hair. I asked if she’d give me a shampoo and blow dry today. She said yes. Check.

Then we got gallons of bottled water so we could at least do some rinsing and cleaning of things (and body parts).

And then I started to slap myself, as I remembered friends who’d lost their homes in the wildfires here. Were they whining about not having any water? Of course not.

So today and tomorrow I will carry on without complaint. I’m just grateful no one can smell me. I really do need a shower.

 

 

What I Do For My Art

On Monday, May 2, I’m having surgery. I’ll be in the hospital for a few days, then home recuperating. It’ll be a total role reversal in my household. I’m usually the one doing the caregiving because of Michael’s all-too-frequent hospitalizations and surgeries for Crohn’s disease.

When I first told a friend that Michael would be the one taking care of me, she said, “Wow. You’re really throwing yourself into your caregiving book, going under the knife just to see what it’s like to be the patient for a change.”

The truth is, I’ve done a lot of research for my books over the years – from traveling to Sedona, AZ for “Crystal Clear” and taking a Caribbean cruise for “Princess Charming” to signing up to be a hospital volunteer for “Some Nerve” and traveling around the country with the Yankees for “Confessions of a She-Fan.”

But no, I’m not undergoing surgery just so I can interview Michael later about his experiences as a caregiver – although that’s exactly what I plan to do. Once I’m back on my feet, I’m going to pull out my digital recorder and ask him the questions I’ve been asking other caregivers for months.

  1. How do you cope with the stress of caring for a loved one?
  2. How do you get doctors to hang around long enough to answer your questions?
  3. How do you endear yourself to the nurses?
  4. How do you avoid freaking out during a loved one’s medical crisis?
  5. How do you eat right, get enough exercise, and sleep well – while you’re pulled in all directions?
  6. How do you find anything appetizing in a hospital cafeteria?
  7. How do you deal with the isolation of not being able to socialize with friends?
  8. How do you keep from going nuts?

Ironically, I’d always planned to have a chapter in the book called “When Caregiver Becomes Caregivee.” I just never imagined that art would imitate life – or is it the other way around?

I’ll write my next Mainly Jane post as soon as I’m feeling coherent enough.

 

 

 

Who's Covering The Royal Wedding? Better Yet, Who Isn't?

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll be setting the recorder so I won’t miss a minute of the actual walk down the aisle of William and Kate. (I believe the wedding itself is on at 3 a.m. here in California.) But in the meantime, I’ve hardly watched a second of the “pre-coverage.” It seems that everyone with even a slightly British accent has been hired by the networks to weigh in on the festivities – from the gown and the possibility of a tiara (Oh, my!) to reminiscences of Princess Diana and the history of the monarchy.

I caught a snippet of one of William’s former nannies the other day. Or was she his cook when he was a little boy? Can’t remember. Suffice it to say, the segment wasn’t interesting enough for me to hang around.

I read that Katie Couric is leaving her perch as CBS’ nightly news anchor, but not before she’s off to London to cover the wedding. I mean, first things first, right?

Anderson Cooper is over there. So’s Barbara Walters. Just about everybody with a television show in this country is over in that country for the duration.

I love the idea of having a break from the earthquake in Japan, the bloody battles in the Middle East, the birther issue in the good old U.S.A and, last but not least, the Kardashian sisters. But nobody does overkill like our American media, and we’re doing it right now.

 

 

"Cinema Verite" – The First "Reality Show"

Early in my career as a book publicist, the publishing house where I worked released “An American Family,” the story of the Loud family of Santa Barbara – the family that was filmed for a PBS series of the same name and became part of popular culture, in the same way that reality show stars do today. Little did I know when I was helping to promote the book that I would move to Santa Barbara myself and that the tale of the Louds would be the basis for an HBO movie that airs tonight.

http://youtu.be/MvpGwU5TFEU

I remember Pat Loud very well. She was attractive and engaging and, oddly enough, looked a lot like Diane Lane. I remember her ambivalence over having agreed to let cameras into her home. I remember her breakup with her husband. I remember how strong she was (or seemed to be).

I’m really looking forward to the movie tonight. What a great cast.

 

Is There A Fix For Junk Faxes?

As if spam isn’t bad enough, my latest crusade is to rid myself of the vermin known as junk faxers. They send stuff to my fax number advertising everything from travel deals to health insurance, and they do it at all hours of the day and night.

I’ve filed numerous complaints with the FCC and gotten nowhere.

I’ve put the fax number, as well as my phone, on the national Do Not Call list, and it’s been useless.

I’ve tried calling the faxer’s number and yelling at the person who took the call….and got hung up on.

Today I spoke to the “nuisance call department” at Verizon. They suggested I go on the web site junkfaxes.org for suggestions. Unfortunately, the suggestions were ones I’ve already pursued (see above).

If anybody has any ideas, I’m all ears.

(courtesy: customersrock.wordpress.com)

 

 

Who Doesn't Love A Wedding?

Last night I went to the wedding reception for my author friend Gayle Lynds (check out her web site over on the links list) and the wonderful man she met and fell for via Facebook, of all places. It was such a happy occasion and everybody at the party was in a festive mood. In particular, I had a blast hanging out with Kate Schwab, who was a VP of marketing at Borders here in SoCal before the company went down the toilet. We were both a little wine-impaired.

Speaking of weddings, I LOVE the T-Mobile commercial featuring the royal look-alikes dancing down the aisle.

The woman who impersonates Camilla Parker-Bowles is such a dead ringer for the real thing that I had to watch the video twice just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

The whole craze of people dancing down the aisle at their wedding, which began with the couple dancing to Chris Brown’s “Forever,” makes me wish I could have a do-over. I’d totally dance down the aisle at my wedding. The only problem is Michael, who hates dancing and would probably stand there looking mortified.

 

 

Chivalry Is Not Dead

I’ve been doing lots of interviews as I continue to write and research my survival guide for caregivers. I record the in-person interviews on a digital voice recorder, but I’ve been using a micro-cassette tape recorder for the phone interviews. (The sound quality is better with the phone and the cassettes, for some reason.)

Twice now the cassettes have broken in mid-conversation and the tapes just stopped recording – without my realizing it. I was panic stricken, figuring the material was lost, until I remembered a man named Dave Sommers who came to my rescue for the exact same problem in ’07 when I was writing the “She-Fan” book.

When a cassette broke back then, I frantically searched in the Yellow Pages under “audio” and “video” and found a company called “Master Tracks Recording & Multi-Media.” A man named Dave Sommers answered my call and said he would try to put my tape back together. When he succeeded – in, like, a day – I was overjoyed and thanked him profusely.

I called him again, praying he was still in business, still at the same number, still living in Santa Barbara. Victory! I left a message that must have made me sound totally hysterical and he called me back within minutes – from the beach! He was enjoying himself on a warm, sunny day but still made time to return my call. Once again, I was grateful.

And once again, Dave came to my rescue and fixed a cassette. He said he has a new business too. He sells a natural product called Ganoderm (http://www.myganocafe.com/dave), which is designed to make us all healthier, no matter what ails us. I’m all for that.

He also told me about a way I can record phone calls by using my computer, which will mean no more broken cassettes. Whew.

What A Nice Man Victor Garber Is

(courtesy: victor-garber.com)

Maybe you know Victor from his roles on “Alias” or “Eli Stone.” Or maybe you’ve seen him in feature films like “Titanic.” Or maybe you’ve been lucky enough to catch him on Broadway. In any case, he’s a versatile actor whose name always seems to appear when the Emmy or Tony awards come around. Plus, he’s very nice, speaking of pluses.

Today I interviewed him for my forthcoming caregivers book. Both his parents had Alzheimer’s and he graciously consented to spend time with me on the phone to discuss what it’s like to parent your parents. More specifically, it was his mother, who was living in LA while he was shooting “Alias,” who required his care and with whom he shared many special moments. Even though the subject of our conversation was difficult, he was funny and generous and provided me with wonderful anecdotes for the book.

Here’s a video of him talking about Alzheimer’s with the host of a show in his native London, Ontario, Canada.

http://youtu.be/CWyToORanvg

Be well, Victor, and thanks for the chat today.

 

 

Goodbye, Flip Cam. RIP.

I hate when products I love go away. Whether they’re formally dropped by the manufacturer (as with today’s announcement that Cisco is shutting down the Flip brand it had only recently paid a fortune to acquire) or simply allowed to fade into the sunset, it’s very disconcerting to me.

I finally find the right shade of lipstick or nail polish? In a matter of months that shade will be off the market and no longer available. Ditto my favorite moisturizer or hand cream.

It happens with foods all the time – from ginger ale (are they phasing it out or what?) to hamburger relish.

And how about Pepcid A.C.? The other day I went to buy a new container of those cherry-flavored chewable tablets that I pop all too frequently and – lo and behold – what they sell now is a bluish-greenish mint-flavored kind. Ugh.

Could companies please stop doing this? I don’t want to keep hearing “We don’t make that anymore” anymore.

 

A Little Patient Privacy Please?

When I signed up to be a hospital volunteer several years ago, one of the first things I was taught was the HIPAA law – i.e. the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, which, among other things, mandates that a patient’s identity and medical information be kept confidential.

I always took the law seriously, especially when I volunteered in L.A. at Cedar’s Sinai where there were so many celebrity patients. The tabloids used to try to bribe the volunteers for info about the stars and there would have been a huge fine and a jail sentence if we’d tipped them off.

As a patient I assumed my identity and medical information would be kept confidential too. Wrong!

I was at the doctor the other day. I was sitting in the waiting room, reading cheesy magazines until I was called for my appointment. Suddenly I heard, as if through a megaphone: “JANE HELLER!”

I looked up and there was a nurse standing there with a clipboard. I wanted to strangle her and her vocal chords.

But yelling out a patient’s full name in front of a roomful of other people is only part of the problem. How about when you go to check in at a doctor’s office, clinic or hospital. Have you ever had them do this?

You to receptionist: “Hi, I’m here for my 2:30 appointment.”

Receptionist: “YOUR NAME?”

You: “Jane Heller.”

Receptionist: “ARE YOU STILL AT 444 ELM STREET?”

You: “Yes.”

Receptionist: “AND IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER 555-5555?”

You: “Yes.”

Receptionist: “AND ARE YOU HERE FOR A MAMMOGRAM?”

You: “Yeah, and have you ever thought of keeping your damn voice down?”

Why bother having a HIPAA law if receptionists and nurses end up blabbing your personal information to anyone with ears?

Makes me mad.

Michael Goes To Jury Duty: The Short Version

Photo: attydc.com

I don’t know how jury duty works in other states, but here’s what happens in California. You get a summons in the mail to appear on a certain date. The night before, you call a number and a recording instructs you whether or not to show up the next morning. If they say you don’t have to go to court, you call again the next night….and the next…and the next…until you’re either told to report or excused. In other words, instead of making people show up and sit around for a week, they only make you show up if the recording tells you to.

Last week the recording told Michael he had to show up. He said the security at the courthouse was tighter than at any airport. He said the case in question was a woman who’d been arrested for a DUI after being stopped at a check point and failing a breath test. He said it took three full days for the defense attorney to interview him.

“Do you have a friend or family member who’s ever been arrested for a DUI?” the attorney asked him, just as he’d asked all the other potential jurors.

“Yes,” said Michael, thinking of a family member very near and dear to us. “He served six months in jail and now has to deal with having a prison record. Drinking and driving ruined his life.”

The defense attorney had Michael dismissed from the jury pool immediately.

But not before he asked Michael another question: “What does your wife do for a living?”

“She’s an author.”

“Of what sort of books?”

“Romantic comedies.”

At this point, the judge himself interjected and said with a laugh, “Can she get me a deal at Borders before it closes?”

Michael was a bit surprised, but came back with a snappy retort of his own. “No, but she has copies in our garage. Come on over and I bet she’ll help you out.”

The judge cracked up. So did everybody else in the court room.

I hope I can be just an entertaining when it’s my turn to serve.

7 Secrets Of Slim People: Really?

I’ve been slim my whole life (well, except for the poundage I put on in college). “Scrawny” you could even call me. If you turned me sideways, you’d probably miss me. So what’s my secret to staying slim? I don’t starve myself, that’s for sure. I love to eat, and food is one of my great pleasures. But I don’t practice 5 of Self magazine’s “7 Secrets.” Here they are.

1) Make time for tea
Women with the highest intake of catechins, antioxidants in tea that may accelerate fat burn, gained less weight over 14 years than those who sipped less, a study in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition reveals. White and green brews have the most catechins. Get brewing!

2) Move your workouts to the morning
Breaking a sweat before you sit down to breakfast can help you trim down faster, a study in The Journal of Physiology finds. Exercising on an empty stomach in the A.M. improves glucose tolerance, which spurs your body to shed fat.

3) Join the breakfast club
If you don’t already have regular morning meals, it’s time to start: Lifelong early eaters have a waistline about 2 inches smaller than that of breakfast skippers, The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition reveals. An A.M. meal may rev metabolism; plus, it may cause you to make less of an enzyme that raises cholesterol.

4) Savor your food
Eating slowly and steadily can help you stay slim. People who took 30 minutes to eat a bowl of ice cream created more fullness hormones than did those who ate faster, a study in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism notes. Whenever you can, ditch distractions like the television while you’re dining so you can concentrate on enjoying the yummy food in front of you.

5) Become a creature of habit
Eating at the same times every day and could help you drop pounds. When mice ate at scheduled mealtimes and fasted for 12 hours at night, their liver turned on genes that burned more sugar and fat, say scientists at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla, California. No, we’re not mice, but if something as simple as sitting down to dinner at 7 P.M. every night helps speed weight loss, why not give it a shot?

6) Start with water
Downing two cups of H2O before meals helped people lose about 5 pounds more than those who said no to water, research from Virginia Tech reveals. Water is filling, so sippers ate 75 to 90 calories less. Enjoy a few cups of water while you prep a meal or before your entrée arrives at a restaurant to effortlessly keep calories in check.

7) Step on the scale

Dieters who weighed themselves at least weekly lost more weight than those who didn’t, according to research from the Minneapolis Heart Institute Foundation. Plus, the habit helped nondieters stay at a stable weight. Spotting scale swings early allows you to tweak your eating and exercise routine before pounds can pile up.

For starters, I don’t drink green tea and I have no idea what catechins are.

I don’t work out in the morning. I go for walks in the afternoon if it’s nice out, but that’s about it.

I do eat breakfast every day.

I don’t eat slowly. I’m a human vacuum cleaner. One minute the food is on the plate; the next it’s gone.

I am a creature of habit, eating at pretty much the same times every day.

I don’t drink water before meals. Wine, but not water.

I never weigh myself. I don’t even own a scale.

What does it all mean? Beats me.

My Fear Of Flying Got Worse Yesterday

I’ve always been a white knuckler, but after I read about the Southwest plane whose ceiling ripped apart I really started to “catastrophize,” as shrinks call it.

  • “Airplanes take off and land safely every day.”
  • “They can’t fall out of the sky.”
  • “It’s much more dangerous to drive.”

Those are the sort of things I tell myself whenever I do have to fly somewhere, but I don’t believe them. They’re just words. To me, sitting in a chair at 35,000 above the ground is insane. I always look at the flight attendants and say to myself, “You actually volunteer to risk your life this way?”

Yes, I’m afraid of flying and have been since college when I had to take Mohawk Airlines to and from Rochester, New York, frequently in a snow storm. It was the turbulence that scared the hell out of me then. But now? I have so many more nightmarish scenarios to conjure up – from birds in the fuselage to terrorists blowing up the plane with bombs in their underpants.

Thanks to yesterday’s Southwest flight, I can dwell on mechanical failures caused by poor maintenance. Or, as the Daily Best article suggests, outsourcing may be the culprit. It never occurred to me that the airlines don’t use their own mechanics to check things out, have inspections, make sure us passengers are in good hands. It turns out they delegate much of the oversight to God knows which company in God knows which part of the world. How are we supposed to trust that the planes are safe?

I guess the answer is we just keep flying and hope for the best. Accidents don’t happen often and even when they do they usually have happy endings. I’m planning to fly this summer so I have to believe that. Well, or I’ll just drink a lot more. If only the airlines would stock some decent wine. Sigh.

Follow Me!

  • Jane Heller on Goodreads
  • Jane Heller on Pinterest
  • Jane Heller on Facebook
  • Jane Heller on Twitter

Get in touch!

I’d love to hear from you! Contact me!

About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.