Jane Heller

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author

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My Current Obsession

March 6, 2014

Kevin-Spacey-in-House-of-Cards

Now that I’ve finished watching Season 2, I’m feeling bereft, lost, hungry for more. “House of Cards” is addictive that way. I’ve been trying to wean myself off of the show but instead I read and re-read everything I can get my hands on about it – interviews with the writer and the cast, reviews from the critics, articles about the similarities between the fictional characters and real-life members of Congress.

What makes the show such irresistible television? Part of it is that in this era of stalled government, it’s a kick to see bills actually get passed. Another part is the snappy writing and fast pace. And then there’s Frank and Claire Underwood, two of the most nakedly power crazed people ever. Kevin Spacey is wonderfully droll and conniving as Frank, but it’s Robin Wright’s Claire who is the more complex of the two. She’s loyal and smart and sexy but the coldest thing since the North Pole. And let’s face it: she’s a gorgeous fashion icon. I mean seriously. Take a look.

There’s her haircut…

Claire's haircut

Her clothes…

Robin Wright dress

Her glasses…

Claire's glasses

Even her cashmere bathrobe is to die for…

Claire's bathrobe

Every now and then she gives us a peek at her softer side, but mostly she cleaves to an agenda and it doesn’t matter who’s caught in the crossfire. I can’t wait to see what she and Frank will do next, but that won’t happen FOR A YEAR. How will I survive until Season 3?

I’ve been watching and loving “True Detective” thanks to Matthew McConaughey’s Rust Cohle.

-1

But there’s only one more episode to go and then the season’s done – and so is McConaughey, apparently. He announced after the Oscars that he’s not continuing with the show. Bummer.

So I’ll have to throw my affection elsewhere. Friends have told me to check out “Nurse Jackie” and “Orange Is the New Black.” But right now I’m not in the mood to dip into a new set of characters on the small screen.

Now the screen on my Kindle is another matter. I’m still reading like a maniac.

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Movies, Politics, Popular culture, Television Tagged With: Congress, Frank and Claire Underwood, House of Cards, Kevin Spacey, Matthew McConaughey, Robin Wright, True Detective

The Anne Hathaway Thing

March 4, 2013

Photo: Vera Anderson/WireImage

What is wrong with people? Everywhere I look there’s another article, blog post or tweet about so-called “Hathaway Hate.” She’s an actress. She plays parts in movies. She wins awards sometimes and gives acceptance speeches that are more than a little grating. So what? She was terrific in “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Rachel Getting Married,” “Brokeback Mountain” and, most recently, “Les Mis” (I haven’t seen her other films), and there’s never a hint of meanness about her, so why all the negative energy directed her way? And why is this starting to feel like bullying? Are we in high school or what?

The Daily Beast attempted to answer the questions in yesterday’s piece about her (see below), but I’m wondering something even more basic: Why aren’t people reserving all this emotion for issues that really matter? And hate? Seriously? Disdain, I get. Envy, I get. Intense feelings of annoyance, I get. But hate is ridiculous. My guess is there will now be a backlash to the backlash, and legions of Hathaway Haters will now become adoring fans.

The Anne Hathaway Hatred Is Out of Control
by Kevin Fallon

Is it her face? Her personality? Is she too perfect? Everyone wants to know why we hate Anne Hathaway. We want to know why they care so much.

Last week Anne Hathaway gave an acceptance speech after she won the best-supporting-actress Oscar for her performance in Les Misérables. You’d think she committed mass murder.

What began as the “cult of Hathahaters” two months ago has simmered, bubbled over, and formed a zeitgeist-seizing, rage-fueled movement against the actress, peaking with a series of think pieces examining what Hathaway has done to trigger such a response. As if it’s some major social or political question that must be answered—like how to prevent the sequester or who should be the next pope—these essays explore every facet of Anne’s very Anne-ness in an attempt to get to the root of the problem.

People are stronger in their convictions on the issue than they are on most platforms that determine presidential elections. Now a hatred has arisen that’s typically reserved for celebrities who go on anti-Semitic rants (hello, Mr. Gibson) or hit their girlfriends (bonjour, Mr. Brown). Hathaway, by comparison, gave some speeches that were kind of annoying. Forget media frenzy. It’s a media pile-on, and it’s out of control.

So what are we supposed to think about her?

“She’s got this theater-kid thing where she adopts the mood of every situation she’s in … but wildly overcompensates every time,” writes The Atlantic Wire’s Richard Lawson. CNN quotes an oratory expert who tells us that Hathaway’s “just one of the people who just doesn’t come off as sincere.” The New Yorker’s Sasha Weiss posits that it’s because the actress appears too happy.

Salon brings in the scientists, who tell us we hate her because of her face. “When times are good, we prefer actresses with rounder faces,” psychology professor Terry Pettijohn says. “They convey these ideas of fun and youth.” But Hathaway’s face is bony and slender! “As the economy improves, Hathaway—whose peak of fame, post-boyfriend, pre–Oscar hosting, came amid the 2008 crash—may just be a reminder of bad times.” Science.

After a report came out that the star rehearsed her Oscar speech to sound less annoying, Rich Juzwiak at Gawker wrote: “It creates a new reason to be mad at Anne Hathaway. It’s one thing if she’s just being herself; it’s another if she’s trying to be likable and failing.”

Over at The Cut, Ann Friedman examines what we perceive to be Hathaway’s most egregious crime: she’s not Jennifer Lawrence.

What if Twitter had existed when Sally Field bragged about how we really like her?

The culturewide attack on the Hathaway is utterly bizarre—except that it isn’t. It is the rawest example yet of our 2013, Twitter-loving, insta-pundit, mountain-out-of-a-molehill media culture. It’s not that we judge stars more than we used to. It’s that we now have the platform to do it in real time and expect those being judged to care enough to respond and take action, again in real time.

It’s not only changed our relationship with celebrities but the notion of what we want celebrities to be. The picture of practiced perfection that Hathaway puts forth is becoming increasingly antiquated. Look at how celebrated stars like Lena Dunham and Jennifer Lawrence are, or how popular the Honey Boo Boos and Teen Moms have become, for proof that we now prefer to see our celebrities warts and all. It’s no longer unattainable perfection that our society is admiring. It’s relatability and fallibility we adore, and we adore it in 140 characters or less.

“Stars, they’re just like us” is no longer just a cute gossip-rag feature. It’s a societal demand. Even the word “diva,” once used as a respect-demanding label for female celebrities who have earned through fabulousness and talent the right to be fawned over and catered to, is now applied almost exclusively as an insult. If we can’t imagine ourselves being like a celebrity, at least we’d like to imagine they’re someone we could hang out with. Lawrence, for example, seems like the girl you could have a beer with. Hathaway seems like the girl who says she doesn’t drink beer.

And, yes, that is an absolutely ridiculous judgment. So why are so many people making it?

Ta-Nehisi Coates, writing for The Atlantic, puts it perfectly. “I recognize that there is an entire publicity industry designed to get us to ‘like’ people whom we essentially pay to see work,” he writes. “And perhaps it’s fair to judge whether or not that industry has been effective in making you think you know Hathaway in a way that you probably do not. But the fact remains that you don’t really know any of these people.”

“Anne Hathaway is an actor,” Coates continues. “This is not a synonym for ‘Homecoming Queen’ nor ‘special friend.’ She does her job better than most. That should be enough.”

But again, in the age of Twitter and a culture that fosters opining and encourages more than ever the sharing of opinions, that’s not enough, and the growing “Hathahate” movement is the best example of that yet. It used to be that stories like this had blink-and-you’ll-miss-it shelf lives. Now they explode into weeks-long debates on social media, then online media, and then news media. It’s not just a few people asking, “Isn’t Anne Hathaway just a little bit much?” It’s a few people asking that and starting a national conversation.

Hathaway has breathlessly thanked every member of her “team” during her countless awards-season acceptance speeches. (And we mean every member.) Have they failed her by not “fixing” whatever this likability problem is?

Perhaps. One thing is clear: Hathaway was superb in Les Misérables. She seems like a sweet lady. Maybe now, with our collective obsession over how much we hate her, we are the ones who are being just a little bit much.

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture Tagged With: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables, The Daily Beast

SAG Awards, Huff/Po, Ebooks & My Mother!

January 28, 2013

I always look forward to the SAGs because they’re all about the actors without cluttering up the presentation with technical awards (not that the costume, wardrobe and sound people don’t deserve theirs; I’m just more interested in star gazing). But last night’s show was oddly flat. Even the intros featuring the “I’m an actor” vignettes weren’t all that charming or funny, and aside from Julianne Moore there really weren’t any actresses wearing unfortunate gowns. (The top of Moore’s gown was definitely a SAG winner, if you know what I mean.) “Argo” is suddenly piling up the awards and should make the Oscars even more competitive. Daniel Day-Lewis and Anne Hathaway appear to be the only locks.

Switching gears, I had a post up on PBS’ Next Avenue site last week and Huff/Po50 picked it up over the weekend. It amplifies a chapter in You’d Better Not Die about caring for a loved one whose illness causes personality changes and what we, as caregivers, can do about it. I should mention that I’ve been posting a lot on Huff/Po and elsewhere, and all my posts, caregiver related and not, are up on my web site under “Other Writing.”

The big news in terms of my romantic comedies is that after successfully launching 11 of the novels as ebooks over the summer, we’ve decided to have a special “Winter Sale” starting February 1st. For a limited time only, we’re dropping the prices on all 11 from $4.99 to $2.99 to say thank you to those who’ve expressed interest in them. I’m excited to be able to share the novels with even more readers, so it’s a great time to jump in.

And finally, I haven’t posted here in a while because I had the pleasure of a two-week visit with my mother, who turned 96 on January 15th. She and Sandy, her caregiver, flew out to California from New York and we had a great time together, hanging out, re-connecting with family members and enjoying some wonderful dinners here in Santa Barbara. Very sad to see her go home but looking forward to her visit next year when she turns 97!

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture, Wellness Tagged With: caregiving, ebooks, Jane Heller novels, romantic comedies, SAG awards 2013, Winter Sale, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

Golden Globes 2013 = Fun Show

January 13, 2013

Well, Tommy Lee Jones didn’t have much fun. During what I thought was a hilarious routine by presenters Kristin Wiig and Will Ferrell, he sat at his table looking very glum.

http://gif.mocksession.com/2013/01/tommy-lee-jones/

Maybe it was because he lost the Best Supporting Actor award to Christoph Waltz. Or maybe he’s just not into SNL-type humor.

In any case, I thought the combo of Fey and Poehler did a great job of hosting. The only problem? There wasn’t enough of them; as with many award-show hosts, they disappeared for a too-long stretch during the last half.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, it’s my duty to discuss the red carpet. I started watching on E!, a network that usually makes me cringe and turn the channel in disgust. But tonight they bested the “Today” show crew. Ryan Seacrest was clearly more comfortable talking about designer dresses than Matt Lauer, and don’t get me started on Savannah Guthrie; I still can’t figure out why NBC handed her the co-anchor job, as attractive and articulate as she is.

The gowns were mostly gorgeous. I used to enjoy the crazy outfits, but the stylists have taken all the whimsy out of the fashion part of these shows. Still, some of the ladies looked like princesses and I need to give them props. My faves:

Amy Adams. Some people thought the color washed her out, but I liked her monochromatic look. And the shape of the dress was very….mermaid-ish.

Amy Adams

Halle Berry. She’s incapable of looking bad, but I loved the colors of her gown as well as the off-the-shoulder top and the Angelina Jolie/bare leg bottom.

Halle Berry

Kate Hudson. She went with the long sleeves (it’s cold here in CA – smart move). Some thought the black made her look funereal, but I liked the simplicity of her gown and the plunging neckline plunged but not excessively. I also like blondes with gold accents.

Kate Hudson

Zooey Deschanel. There seemed to be a lot of red on the red carpet (Jennifer Lawrence, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes), but I think Deschanel wore hers the best.

Zooey Deschanel

My least faves:

Jessica Chastain. She’s a really good actress and I was glad she won tonight, but the top of her dress reminded me of a bathing suit my grandmother wore in the 50s, saggy boobs and all.

Jessica Chastain

Julianne Moore. Tom Ford designed her gown. My question is what was he thinking? Not pretty.

Julianne Moore

Nicole Kidman. I wasn’t crazy about this one. Not awful. Just a little too dominatrix.

Nicole Kidman

I had no quibble with the awards themselves.

Daniel Day-Lewis was amazing in “Lincoln,” but since I didn’t like the movie I wasn’t sorry it didn’t win anything else.

I figured Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain and Jennifer Lawrence would win in their respective categories and all were very deserving. The wild card was Ben Affleck and Argo. I didn’t expect the film to make such an impact, but I liked it a lot. Now it goes into the Oscars with new momentum, which should make that show more interesting.

Other moments of note:

Sasha Baron Cohen made me laugh. Anne Hathway reminded me of a younger, prettier Liza Minnelli with that haircut. Dustin Hoffman must have been hitting the tanning booth pre-show. Jodie Foster was….what, exactly? Her speech had all the earmarks of a therapy session. She wanted privacy but she was broadcasting to the world that she wanted privacy. She wasn’t coming out but she said she’s been out for years. She seemed to be announcing her retirement but maybe just from acting (or maybe not). I did notice that there were many on Twitter who teared up when she mentioned her mother, so there was that. Mostly, I wished her buddy and seatmate Mel Gibson had introduced her (Robert Downey Jr. wasn’t making much sense) so we could have seen what sort of reaction he’d get from the audience. Oh well. There’s always next year.

P.S. I left out all the TV stuff because I don’t watch any of the shows. I know, I know. I’m missing “Homeland” and “Girls.” Only so many hours in a day.

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Movies, Popular culture, Wellness Tagged With: Amy Poehler, Golden Globes, Tina Fey

More Great Endorsements for "You'd Better Not Die"

September 9, 2012

I’ve added them to the earlier post instead of listing them here separately, but I’m just very flattered by the kind words the book’s been getting and grateful for all the support.

Coming up this week is the video trailer I’ll be shooting for the book. The production crew is coming to my house on Wednesday and I’m trying to figure out what to wear – always a dilemma when authors who sit alone in front of a computer day after day have to actually appear on camera. The producer said “no green,” because they’ll be shooting me in front of a green screen for the animation to come later (yes, there will be animated characters!). Not that I was planning to wear green, but my usual black may be too harsh. We should all have such problems, I know, but I did run out shopping over the weekend and spent more than I intended – no surprise.

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Wellness Tagged With: book trailer, caregiving, health and wellness, Saks, video, You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You

I Have To Agree With The GOP On This One

June 4, 2012

When the above Obama campaign video was released on the same day as the dismal jobs report, even I had to wonder what the Prez’s campaign was thinking…or whether they were thinking at all. If I were the GOP, I’d produce a rebuttal video too, only mine would have been snarkier than theirs. (I’d post the link but there was something wrong with the audio.)

You just cannot say you support the disenfranchised and then have Anna Wintour, the symbol of  the “Let them eat cake” mentality, appeal to voters on your behalf. It’s beyond tone deaf.

No, Wintour can’t help her upper crust British accent, nor was she the actual character portrayed in “The Devil Wears Prada.”

http://youtu.be/1LVptO7o4L8

(God, Meryl was brilliant.)

But when you pick a fashion icon to invite “real people” to support your Presidency, you might as well stop picking on Romney for putting an elevator in the garage of his house.

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Politics Tagged With: 2012 Presidential Campaign, Anna Wintour, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, The Devil Wears Prada

A Night At Sardi's 2012

March 22, 2012

Every year my pal Laurie Burrows Grad (see her link on my blog roll) puts on a tremendous fundraiser to benefit the Alzheimer’s Association. With her husband Peter as her co-chair, they’ve managed to raise over $21 million dollars. I mean, that’s just beyond amazing.

(Laurie wears a fabulous loaner from the top designers for each event, and last night’s red number was a show-stopper.)

The benefit was created to honor her father Abe Burrows, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer of such Broadway smashes as “Guys and Dolls” and “How To Succeed in Business,” who died of Alzheimer’s. Now she puts on a veritable Broadway legend of her own, albeit at the Beverly Hilton in L.A. She gathers stars from stage and screen to perform musical numbers and invites several hundred of us to have dinner and enjoy the action.

This year’s evening was hosted by David Hyde Pearce and featured Peter Gallagher, Kristen Bell, Marilu Henner, Steven Weber, Jon Lovitz, Taye Diggs, Wayne Brady, and many others – all accompanied by a terrific orchestra and dynamite backup dancers/singers.

With YOU’D BETTER NOT DIE OR I’LL KILL YOU, my caregiver book, due out in October, I was particularly moved by the acceptance speech of Susan Disney Lord, who received the event’s annual Caregiver Award.

Photo: Getty Images

The daughter of Roy Disney, which makes Susan a fourth-generation Disney, she lived a life of privilege yet explained that Alzheimer’s is very democratic; it can touch all of us, no matter where we fall on the social ladder. Her mother died of the disease recently and she gave her mom a rousing tribute – one that anyone could relate to.

Did I wear a gown, you may be wondering? Uh, no. I don’t own any, and I haven’t had any designers beg me to wear one of theirs. So I shlepped down to L.A. in my basic black cocktail attire (black was the universal color for both men and women and I vowed that next year I’ll show up in bright purple or something). Michael and I had a great time.

 

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Television, Wellness Tagged With: A Night at Sardi's, Abe Burrows, Alzheimer's Association, Laurie Burrows Grad

The Grammys: Random Thoughts

February 12, 2012

For starters, I need to vent about CBS’ decision to tape delay the show for those of us on the west coast. WHY? Well, I know why. God forbid they should shelve their money-maker, “60 Minutes,” for a week or air it after the Grammys. Somehow, the Oscars, Globes and Super Bowl always manage to broadcast their events in real time for us Left Coasters.

On to the good stuff.

* LL Cool J did a nice job as host. He transitioned smoothly from the prayer for Whitney Houston to a celebration of the year’s best in music.

* I hated the Foo Fighters and had to leave the room when they were performing. They “made my ears bleed,” as the saying goes.

* Excellent duet by Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt in tribute to Etta James. Well done, ladies.

* Not-so-excellent duet (or whatever it was) by Rihanna and Coldplay’s Chris Martin. What I did enjoy was Rihanna, period. She’s electric and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Chris Martin, on the other hand, sounded like a cat in heat.

* Bruno Mars’ number was great. I was on my feet dancing the whole time.

* Why does Tony Bennett still look the same? Isn’t he like 90 years old?

* I loved the Civil Wars! Their “Hunger Games” soundtrack intro of Taylor Swift made me want to see the movie.

* Speaking of Taylor Swift, she’s flat out adorable. My only quibble was with the staging. I can’t stand when the microphone blocks a singer’s face/mouth.

* The Beach Boys’ reunion was…odd. I wasn’t sure if Brian Wilson knew what was going on, except for his occasional “Bop Bop Bop”s.

* I’m thrilled for Sir Paul McCartney that he’s found love again, but his Valentine song was something I could have written….when I was 10. Luckily, he came back with a winning closing number to the show with lyrics that had special meaning because of Whitney Houston’s death.

* Jennifer Hudson’s own nod to Houston was very moving in its simplicity. She’s seen her own heartbreak and loss, so I found her rendition of “I Will Always Love You” poignant and memorable.

* Adele is so refreshing. She doesn’t look or act or sing like every other young female pop artist, and deserves all the awards she got. Talk about a sweep.

* I wish Glen Campbell well. He doesn’t have an easy road ahead of him.

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Music, Television Tagged With: 2012 Grammy Awards, Adele, Beach Boys, Bonnie Raitt, CBS, LL Cool J, Paul McCartney, Rihanna, Whitney Houston

Golden Globes 2012: Kind Of Boring/Kind Of Entertaining

January 15, 2012

I was expecting more fireworks from Ricky Gervais (that was the point, wasn’t it – to get us to watch?), but his jokes were pretty tame this year. Tame and mostly not funny. Plus, here on the West Coast he was bleeped a few times, which I found annoying (thanks a lot, NBC).

The stars showed up as they always do at the Globes. Where else do they get food and alcohol, not to mention nominations for projects that wouldn’t ordinarily get nominated? (Can you say Madonna?)

My favorite moment of the show had nothing to do with the awards. It was when Felicity Huffman and Bill Macy sang a duet. I love those two.

Michael’s favorite moment was the appearance (all too brief in his opinion) of Michelle Pfeiffer, his fantasy woman.

As for fashion statements, I found the following to be head scratchers:

What was a pretty girl like Jessica Biel doing in a dress that made her look like a cross between a drowned bride and a tablecloth?

And then there was…

Her dress had a lot going on, but in spite of all its distractions I focused on her arms. I’m all for being toned and fit, but she needs to cover up those tree trunks.

I usually like Reese Witherspoon’s look, but…

But this was an awards show, not a day at the beach, and her hair was messy to me. And why the dark roots?

Michelle Williams may have been trying not to look like her Marilyn Monroe character, but…

Did she have to go all Peter Pan on us?

As for Brangelina, I don’t know what they were thinking…

She looked a bit severe – like a queen of hearts playing card. And I prefer him clean shaven. Still, they’re one glamorous couple.

 

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, Movies, Television Tagged With: Angelina Jolie, Bill Macy, Brad Pitt, Felicity Huffman, Golden Globes 2012, Jessica Biel, Madonna, NBC, Reese Witherspoon, Ricky Gervais

The Ideal Gloves For A Cold Writer

November 9, 2011

It was my friend Melodie’s birthday the other day, and we always exchange presents. She’s a mystery writer and, like me, sits at the computer all day. (Check out her web site on the links list over on the right.) The problem is that every time I shop for a gift for her, I always end up buying the same gift for myself.

It’s not birthday envy; I have little interest anymore of being another year older. And it’s not that I have to horn in on her special day. It’s just that when I find something cool at a store, which isn’t all that often, I say, “I want one of those too.” Apparently, I don’t have the self-control to say, “No, Jane. You’re just buying one for Melodie.”

So there I was at a store in Santa Barbara, browsing aimlessly, not knowing what I was looking for, when I finally told the saleswoman that I had this friend who was a writer and I didn’t want to spend a ton of money but I wanted to get her something pretty and well-made and useful.

She guided me over to a shelf full of lovely, handmade wool gloves in various colors and said, “How about a pair of these?”

I picked up the camel, sandy-colored ones and said, “They’re beautiful – so soft – but where are the fingers?”

She explained that fingerless gloves were all the rage for people who wanted to be warm in the cold weather but free to dial their iPhones and BlackBerries, maneuver while holding their car keys, etc. And then she said, “They’re perfect for someone who uses a computer keypad.”

Bingo. I tried on the gloves, wiggled my fingers around and thought I had hit on a miracle. My hands are often cold when I’m working. Yes, I live in California, but I’m way up in the hills where the temperature dips in the winter. How exciting to have gloves that would allow me to type but keep the rest of my hands nice and toasty.

“I’ll take them,” I said. “I mean I’ll take two pairs. Same color.”

Melodie loved hers. And I’m wearing mine right now. So it’s kind of my birthday too, even though it isn’t.

 

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: fingerless gloves, Melodie Johnson Howe, Montecito, Upstairs at Pierre Lafond

Color Me Clueless

October 14, 2011

I watched the Republican debate the other night, and I had many opinions about the candidates. But the one observation I neglected to make was that Ron Paul might be wearing “eyebrow toupees.” I didn’t even know such things existed until I read this article in the fashion and style section of yesterday’s New York Times.

Raising Eyebrows
By JESSE McKINLEY
Published: October 12, 2011

IT wasn’t quite the slip-up (or slip-down, as it were) most people expect during a presidential campaign, but whatever happened to Ron Paul’s eyebrows at Tuesday night’s debate certainly caught some viewers’ attention.

For those of you not yet riveted by the Republican race, Mr. Paul, the dark-horse libertarian with equally dusky brows, was a victim of hot lights, faulty adhesive or merely a devilish optical illusion when his right eyebrow seemed to dip toward the stage at Dartmouth College.

Seen on television, Mr. Paul appeared to have a second, thinner brow under the one headed south, creating a delicate X over his right eye.

Jesse Benton, a campaign spokesman, insisted that Mr. Paul had been the victim of the elements, namely a heavy pollen season in New Hampshire, and called accusations that he’d been artificially enhancing “stupid” and “insulting.”

“Dr. Paul’s allergies acted up a touch,” Mr. Benton said in an explanation that might raise some, you know, questions.

Not that Mr. Paul would be blamed for trying to keep up with bushy brows like Rick Perry’s, whose upper-eye area is full, or Mitt Romney, whose orbital outliers are sometimes speckled with gray. Whatever the cause, eyebrow toupees appear to be a flourishing business. Experts in the field of eyebrow maintenance said that if the falling follicles were artificial, the buck should stop somewhere. Marina Valmy de Haydu, the executive vice president of the Christine Valmy beauty schools, said most glues used to apply false eyebrows were designed to withstand the rigors of stage lights and intense questions about the national debt.

“Those glues are almost indestructible,” Ms. De Haydu said. “So whoever put it on for him did not put it on correctly.”

Not that anyone did.

Eyebrow toupees? Hm.

Photo: Scott Eells/NYTimes.com

Paul’s right one does seem to droop below the “real” one. And now that I think about it, doesn’t Whoopi Goldberg go without trying to cover her non-eyebrows?

I just never focus on other people’s eyebrows, let alone whether they’re real or not; they’re a body part that doesn’t enter into my consciousness much. But thanks to Ron Paul, I’m now officially obsessed with them.

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, News stories, Popular culture Tagged With: eyebrow toupees, hair extensions, Republican debate, Ron Paul, Whoopi Goldberg

Nothing Like A Little Retail Therapy

August 11, 2011

It’s an annual event when I come east in August. My mother and sister and I take a drive from my mother’s house to her nearby Neiman Marcus store and browse the racks. And every year I say the same thing: You could roll a bowling ball down the aisles and not hit anyone.

I know the economy is in the tank, but I keep hearing how well the high-end stores are doing. If so, how come it always looks as if nobody’s shopping? Seriously, there were more salespeople roaming around saying, “Can I help you?” than customers.

What’s more, the store wasn’t exactly overflowing with merchandise. When I asked the Ralph Lauren lady if she had a certain leather jacket in my size (it was so gorgeous and so insanely expensive and so not coming home with me), she said, “We don’t order much the way we used to, so we don’t have to send a lot of merchandise back to the manufacturers.” It all reminded me of the book business. Publishers aren’t printing as many books and stores aren’t ordering as many; nobody wants to get stuck with “overage.”

Anyhow, back to my shopping expedition. The first item I spotted was a sweater. And not just any sweater. It was a sweater to die for – one of those cashmere numbers that you wrap yourself in, like a blanket. And it was in the color I adore.

Yes, caramel. Maybe a little less orange than what’s in the pic, but delicious nonetheless.

I was in love.

But I kept browsing – up a floor, down two floors, and back up to the floor with The Sweater.

I tried it on, enveloped myself in it. It was so soft and it fit me perfectly. The problem was the price tag.

I put it back on the hanger and kept moving.

I spent the rest of the trip looking at other merchandise but always coming back to The Sweater and trying it on. I should add that by this time my sister had tried it on too, and we both agreed it was a keeper. (I won’t even begin to describe the look on the face of the saleslady, who tried to be patient with us but was so eager for the sale that she was practically drooling.)

In the end, my sister and I both wound up getting The Sweater, each in our own size. My mother didn’t buy anything, but I have no doubt she’ll be back when she doesn’t have to put up with us.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: cashmere sweater, Neiman Marcus

The Polo Crashers

July 6, 2011

Saturday is almost here – the day when William and Kate will be gracing Santa Barbara with their royal presence. They’ll be just down the road from me at the SB Polo Club, where Will is going to swing a mallet atop a horse and Kate is going to… look pretty?

Security for the visit is apparently being overseen not by our crack sheriff’s department but by the state department. Still, I wonder if there’s any way to crash the party. According to the LA Times, a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon has been trying.

Dr. Toby Mayer, a member of the Santa Barbara Polo and Raquet Club, said he planned to be “on standby” at the event in case William needed medical help during his match. But organizers of Saturday’s charity polo event insisted Wednesday that Mayer had not been asked to attend the match.

“Toby Mayer is not associated with the event. That is an absolute fact. Dr. Mayer is a member of the Santa Barbara Polo Club, but this is a private charity event,” said Geannie Sheller, president of the Polo Training Center Santa Barbara. “It is not a polo club event.”

William and his wife, Catherine, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, are scheduled to arrive in Los Angeles on Friday, and will stay in Southern California until Sunday evening.

Mayer said he had told polo club officials last week that he would be available Saturday if needed, and said the polo club had submitted his name last week to organizers. Mayer, who has given several interviews on the issue in recent days, said he was surprised that he won’t be providing “standby” medical assitance for the prince.

“But he can sure buy a ticket if he’d like,” Sheller said.

Added Lauren Kay, spokeswoman for the Foundation Polo Challenge, which is hosting the event: “I don’t know if he’s bought a ticket, but I can assure you that he won’t be there to treat the duke or any player.”

I’m not doing anything special on Saturday. How hard would it be for me to show up in appropriate attire and shake a few hands?

(courtesy: nydailynews.com)

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, News stories, Popular culture Tagged With: Royals, Salahis, Santa Barbara Polo Club, William and Kate

Total Frustration

June 17, 2011

Has anybody ever had a period of time when nothing went right?

I’m not talking about anything serious. Just the silly day-to-day stuff of life.

Like my manicure. I made an appointment for 4 0’clock yesterday. I got to the salon and discovered that Alice, my “nail technician,” was busy giving a neck massage to a small boy.

“You’ll be done in a few minutes, right?” I said.

“Yes,” she said, “but I’m doing a mani-pedi for another lady.”

“I have an appointment with you now,” I said.

She stopped what she was doing and pulled out her scheduling book, then shook her head. “Your name isn’t here.”

“I don’t care if it’s there or not,” I said, trying to keep my voice down. “I called and made an appointment. I spoke to you on the phone. Don’t you remember?”

She appeared to be in deep contemplation, then: “I remember, but your name isn’t here. Sorry.”

We went back and forth a few more times, but she was booked for the rest of the day so I went home.

The next culprit? Lululemon.

I had gone to their store the previous week to buy some yoga pants. I got two pair but they both needed to be hemmed. I was told they’d be ready yesterday. When I called to check, I got this response: “Oh. There’s been a mistake.”

“What kind of mistake?”

“You wanted us to keep the drawstring in the hems, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, they were removed by mistake. It’ll be another few days to re-do them. Sorry.”

That was my second person to say “sorry” in two days.

Which brings me to Ellie, the seamstress in town who was supposed to be taking in the pants I planned to wear Sunday afternoon when I speak on a panel at the Santa Barbara Writers Conference. She said they’d be ready to pick up today. When I got to her shop, the door was locked and the sign said “Closed.” I was fuming.

She didn’t say “sorry” because she wasn’t even there, but I’m sure she’ll say it on Monday when I show up and express my displeasure.

Is it really so hard to deliver decent customer service? Is it?

 

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane Tagged With: customer service, frustration, Lululemon, Santa Barbara Writers Conference

Let's Start With The Dress

April 29, 2011

(courtesy: firstclassfashionista.com)

I echo all the pundits when I say I thought it was perfect – contemporary, elegant, sophisticated and Grace Kelly-ish. Well done, Kate. (Oh, sorry. I meant the Duchess of Cambridge.) If I were a young woman about to get married, I’d probably aim for a dress just like it.

Sister Pippa’s was pretty provocative though. Shouldn’t the bride be the only white dress wearer? And how about the dress’s slinkiness and plunging neckline? I don’t know, but I guess I expected something more…demure.

Moving right along, I loved seeing Kate and William say their “I do’s.” But I really loved their waves on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, the little girl holding her ears and grimacing, and, of course, the two kisses.

I’m a romantic. I hope this couple makes it, despite the challenges of being royal. I mean would you want to be stuck with Charles and Camilla for Thanksgiving dinner? I didn’t think so.

 

Filed Under: Fashion, Mainly Jane, News stories, Popular culture Tagged With: Camilla Parker-Bowles, Kate Middleton, Prince Charles, Prince William, royal wedding

Will and Kate and the Ring Story

April 1, 2011

Amid the news about Libya and Japan and all the other hot spots around the world comes word that – gasp! – Prince William will not wear a wedding ring after he and Kate Middleton tie the knot. The very thought of a man going ring-less seems to have scandalized people, but I know quite a few men who simply don’t like wearing jewelry.

Michael wears a wedding band – it matches mine, as a matter of fact – and I didn’t have to bludgeon him into it. He wanted us to have the same rings, thinking it was a romantic gesture. He still feels the same way and we sometimes find ourselves “clinking rings” over a shared joke or during an emotional moment.

Some men don’t want to wear a wedding band because it’s like a neon sign saying “I’m unavailable” and would definitely put a damper on their attempts to fool around. Some women want their men to wear rings for the same reason: to tell other women that their men are taken.

I’m pretty sure everyone on the planet will know that Prince William is “taken,” even though he won’t be wearing a ring. And yes, I do plan on watching the wedding from start to finish. I can’t wait for all the pomp and circumstance – from her dress to his smile. I get the feeling those two actually like each other.

Filed Under: Fashion, Lifestyle, Mainly Jane, News stories, Popular culture

You Don't Have To Be Jewish To Laugh At This

March 21, 2011

My friend Laurie knows I can’t stand when people forward jokes and parables and Send-This-To-Six-People-Or-You’ll-Ruin-Everything emails, so she’s very judicious about what she passes along. Today she sent me the following joke, which cracked me up at the very moment in my day when I needed a laugh. I hope it’ll do the same for you. Here we go…

Jesus was wandering around  Jerusalem  when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later,  when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on — and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: “No, no, no, for the Son of God there’s no charge!

“However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?”

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses..

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein’s shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: “Jesus, Jesus, look what you’ve done for my business!

Would you consider a partnership?”

“Certainly,” replied Jesus.  “Jesus & Finkelstein it is.”

“Oh, no, no,” said Finkelstein.  “Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.”

The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful — and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop:


Filed Under: Fashion, Humor, Mainly Jane, Popular culture Tagged With: Jesus, jokes, Lord & Taylor

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About Jane Heller

Jane Heller is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author. Her fourteen breezy, witty novels of romantic comedy and suspense are now entertaining millions of readers around the world, along with her two books of nonfiction.

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